


The Terminus Pages

by What_we_are



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cannibal Cult Theology, Cannibalism, Christianity, Diary/Journal, Epistolary, F/M, Gen, Heterosexual Sex, M/M, Past Rape and Torture - But Not of Beth, Survival, Terminus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-28
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-02-22 08:40:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 43,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2501543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/What_we_are/pseuds/What_we_are
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beth's journal is in her pocket when she is kidnapped from the funeral home and taken to Terminus. The first thing she writes that night is, "These might be good people."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 501

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> 
> 
> Introduction
> 
>   
> Beth would never burn pages of her journal. She has written in it every day since this started. Even when she wanted to die. Even through the winter before the prison, when all they did was run. On the back cover there is a tally of walkers she's killed, and a list of the people she's known since things changed. Many of the names are crossed out. There's a list of numbers that indicates when her periods have come and gone. Her record is the only record of when they planted the tomatoes, when Judith was born, and which expired foods have made them sick. There's a sketch, illustrating the difference between the footprints of a possum and a raccoon. In the front, there are naturalistic drawings of flowers and cows. The handwriting gets smaller as it goes.
> 
> The only thing that’s been consistent in Beth's life is pen across paper. She'd like to say her faith is the constant, but it wavered when she saw what her mom had become. Writing is the only thing that is sure to happen every single day. There have been days when she didn't see Maggie, and many days when she didn't sleep, or shit, or eat. There have been days on end when nothing worth writing about happened. But the sun kept coming up and going down, so she kept opening her little green book. A few times, she's been too tired or sick to bother with an entry. Those days are marked solely by their number. By Beth's count, it's day 501 when she arrives at Terminus.

These might be good people. They didn't rape me and they didn't take my knife. If you’re reading this- please stop. This is all I have anymore.

How funny that this journal starts out with wondering if Jimmy likes me back. Everything was fine when I started writing in this one. (Lucky that it’s small enough to fit in my pocket.) More than fine. Everyone was alive. I had never run in fear. I had seven flavors of lip balm. That used to mater. I’d put them on, and have Jimmy guess which one – root beer, raspberry. 

Maybe Daryl was right and I’m a spoiled brat. If he was anyone else, I’d worry that he was dead. They drove a long time to get here me here. I don’t know how he could tell which turns they took. Maybe there was mud on the tires, or the car blew the leaves off the road.

I’m thankful to be here in a room with an oil lantern, a real bed with plenty of blankets, even a window facing the fence and the woods. If I was to stay in this room, I'd put a curtain across the lower half of the window, so I could see the trees, but not the walkers.

I know it’s not right to be doing as well as I am, but if I really felt all these losses (Mom, Daddy, Jimmy, Zach, Judith, . . . maybe everybody I've ever known) I wouldn't be able to keep going. I want to keep going. Out of all of them, I miss Judith the most. I know Daryl’s fine and I’ll run into him again, as long as I keep myself alive. I still think some of the others must have gotten out of the prison, but it’s hard to imagine how any of us could keep baby Judith alive out there, without the fences. She cries in the night. Sometimes even her happy noises are loud. And finding diapers, and formula . . . it would be a nightmare. It will be such a relief when she can eat mushed up food. Carol and I were just talking about how Judith will start reaching for it soon. I didn't see Carol during the battle, so I'm not crossing out her name. If I didn't see her die, she’s probably out there somewhere looking after Judith.

I haven’t met the whole group here yet, but I told the leader that I’m good with kids. He nodded like that could maybe be my job here. I’m praying that it will be. There must be orphans.

I should start at the beginning. I was traveling with Daryl. I already wrote about that. Earlier today, we were eating food at the funeral home. He said something about how I’m convincing him that there are still good people out there. The mood got kinda weird with the candles and everything. He thinks I'm good, but it's just the Lord's glory shining off of me. I try to be a reflector, but I'm certainly not a source. I hope what he was getting at was that he's ready to stop being so angry at God. 

The house got overrun right then. When I ran out, I thought he was behind me. My hurt ankle slowed me down, but I ran and got clear. I didn't have a flashlight or my gun. When I looked behind me on the road there were headlights. I thought it might be the mortician who’d been taking care of those walkers. I barely had time to think that, before two of them snatched me, and put me in the back seat. They clicked the child locks on the doors, but they told me to relax.

The woman Linda sat in the back with me. She was like, “Don’t worry we’ll get you out of here. We have a camp.”

I said, “No, we need to get my friend. He’s still in the house,” but they we were already driving. I argued, but the woman shushed me. I screamed, “Let me out. My friend is still in the house.”

They thought I was crazy. They said it was lucky they found me, because they were usually back from supply runs before dark. They had got a flat tire and had to switch cars, cause they couldn't find a tire iron for their spare. The two men Jake and Alex fought about that all the way back to camp.

Linda really wanted me to eat and drink, so I drank one of the juice boxes they’d found that day. I asked them so many times to go back for Daryl, but they said they hadn't seen anyone and there were too many “deads.”

(The backpack’s gone. All I have is this diary and my knife. That’s it. I would have shot out the car window, but my gun was in my pack.)

We came in the gates, in the dark. Linda got out with me, and the guys drove around the corner. I think she was the one staying with me cause she knew what I’d be afraid of and she didn't want me to worry. I’m pretty sure now that this place isn't like that. I still have my knife.

This place is surrounded in chain link and barbed wire. She knew I wouldn't try to run. When Jake and Alex gave us the go-ahead, she took me into an office and I shook hands with the leader. 

He was like, “Hi, I’m Gareth. It looks like you've been on the road a long while. Let’s get you settled. Are you hungry?” 

I told him I wasn't. They must have had BBQ tonight cause it smells like pulled pork, even in here where people sleep. I saw a big grill out in the courtyard area. I gotta remember to tell them what happened to our pigs. I don’t know if they’re raising them or hunting wild ones.

The only thing I asked Gareth was if I could use a vehicle to go back, first thing in the morning, and find Daryl. Gareth said he’d let me know. He seemed like he was wanting to go to bed, so I said real fast how I’m good at housekeeping, and looking after children, and I really appreciate them taking me in. I also said Daryl’s a good hunter and he'd be a valuable person to have here. 

Gareth is young to be in charge. He seems okay. "Beth, have you heard our broadcast or seen the signs?"

I shook my head. I didn't know what was going on. I was relieved when I found out that he meant literal signs that they put up on the train tracks. 

He said, "Our motto is, 'Those who arrive- survive.' Everyone is welcome here. I'm sorry that Jake, Linda, and my brother weren't able to rescue your friend as well. You never know; maybe he'll see the signs and join us anyway."

Maybe it really was a misunderstanding when they picked me up. Maybe they thought those walkers were part of a herd and they didn't want to get trapped. 

We left Gareth's office and Linda showed me where the outhouse is. Then she brought me to this room in the "women’s dorm." There was a bottle of water, a nightgown, and a couple wash cloths laid out on the bed. I washed a little, but I'm staying in my clothes. 

I don’t know what this building used to be. They've built walls and made it a bunch of bedrooms. I can hear somebody snoring. There’s a quilt for the door to my room. Wedding ring pattern. Maybe I could get back into sewing here. I could make a quilt for Maggie and Glen. And a little applique quilt for Judith with a rabbit, deer, owl, and squirrel on it. 

No sense assuming they’re dead if I don’t know. I’m gonna try to sleep. I’ll keep this in my pocket in case I have to run.


	2. Day 502

Sitting out in the courtyard after lunch. There’s another girl my age here- Anna. She just left cause she had to get back to work. She has cleaning duty for the afternoon. It’s obvious she was assigned to me. She came to get me in the morning and take me to breakfast. Then she showed me the gardens and the rec room with books and a ping pong table. Actually, that’s it, that was the whole tour, cause I’d already seen the women’s dorm, the outhouses and the “dining room.” I didn’t ask if all the other buildings are just empty. I’ve barely asked them anything since I’ve been here.

I know how suspicious we were of Michonne when she arrived at the prison. If she’d asked a lot of questions, Rick probably would have kept her locked up a lot longer.

After the tour, I helped Anna with scrubbing laundry. We ate lunch. Gareth came by and told Anna to go back to work.

He asked me what I thought of their home and I said it was great. He asked to see my ankle. I felt weird showing him. I shaved my legs a while ago at the prison. I don’t know if I’m embarrassed that I did that, or embarrassed that I haven’t done it again, and now they’re prickly. The bear trap bruise looks terrible - swollen and dark purple.

He said “We have some crutches, wait here and I’ll find them for you.”

As soon as he gets back, I’ll ask about Daryl.

It’s nice in this courtyard. I wonder why they don’t move the tables and eat out here. The room where they eat is huge and echo-y.

* * *

Night in my room. Gareth said I could write a letter to Daryl. If they come across him out there, they’ll give him the letter from me so he’ll know he can trust them. I wrote, “Hi Daryl, It’s me Beth. I’m at Terminus where all the train tracks meet. These people can bring you to me. I’m okay.”

Gareth read it right in front of me and smiled. “Just okay?”

“No. It's good. Thank you for the food, and the room, and the crutches.”

I’m too tired to write. I scrubbed the dining room this afternoon with Anna. These crutches hurt my armpits. I don’t mean to be so ungrateful. I’m just tired.

* * *


	3. Day 503

Everybody is still asleep. It’s not light out yet. I went to the outhouse. Now I can’t get back to sleep. I felt like somebody was watching me walk over there. That shouldn't creep me out. Of course they must have someone on watch, probably on the roof. I get the feeling I’m not supposed to go anywhere on my own, so I’m sitting in here writing.

I stink. I’m still wearing what I was wearing when I got here. I’m not sure why, but I’m not ready to change. Some of the women here wear long skirts. That seems crazy. It’d be too easy for a walker to grab hold of you.

I miss Daddy so much. I could fill the rest of these pages just with that.

I hear Anna talking to somebody.

* * * 

At dinner, I told them about our pigs and the flu.

Anna said, “Well, we keep things clean here, so that won’t be a problem.”

What a witch with a capital B. It wasn't our fault we got sick. We kept the prison as clean as we could. There weren't so many of us that we could spare people to scrub floors every day. Whatever.

I’m in the rec room. They’re picky that I only go where they want me to go. Makes sense. We used to keep new people locked in a cell until we knew them.

I spent the whole day with Anna, mostly scrubbing floors, after she had swept them. I’ll be no good at sweeping till my foot heals and I can walk better. I started to feel sorry for myself, but I thought about how Daddy got around on crutches so well. He didn't wallow. He just did what needed doing.

My ankle looks nasty. It’s a good thing I was wearing boots, or the metal teeth would have broken the skin. The medical person here told me to elevate it. I've got it up on the arm rest of a couch right now. I miss ice.

People in here are playing cards and reading books. It’s cozy. There are too many of them for it to be a family, like my group was, but small towns are nice too. It’s safe from walkers. That’s the most important thing. They confuse the dead with fireworks to keep them from bunching up on the fences.

I’m pretty sure now that some good people survive.

I guess I got to Terminus at the right time. Gareth’s mom, Mary, said that they came across a cow in the road, and that’s why we've been eating meat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It doesn't taste like the pasture fed cows back home or store beef. Maybe it’s the spices they use. They don’t serve much canned stuff. I ate dandelion greens today! They were bitter, but I wish I’d known earlier that they’re edible. I guess even Daryl and Daddy didn't know every edible thing God has set out for us. I didn't say it was my first time eating them. Anna would be like, 'jeez, what _did_ you people do? just hang out in a pig sty with your pigs?'

* * * 

Anna was just here checking on me. She’s trying to ask me questions, like we’re friends.

“Do you like Justin Timberlake?”

“I used to, when I was younger.”


	4. Day 504

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning. In this chapter Mary describes what happened to them. There's rape and explicit violence.

It’s night. I’m alone in my room. It’s hard to write about. I’m physically safe. I know what my Daddy and Rick and all of them would say. But they’re dead and I’m here. I’m on my own. 

I don’t have to kill people, not even walkers. Mary said I could make a daycare for the afternoons, so the parents could contribute on security, farming, “roundups,” cooking, cleaning, and supply runs. They call it a roundup. I feel sick. I keep this journal with me all the time, but if they were to read it . . . 

“Other people are what keeps us safe”- Rick. 

My job right now is staying alive. This is where people come. Somebody from the group will get here sooner or later. If I’m alive, I can escape with them or help them join. When Daryl gets here, he’ll need me to vouch for him. He won’t trust them and they won’t trust him. I could leave with him, but by myself, I just can’t. Maggie could. But I know I can’t be alone out there. The next people I came across could be worse. It could be all men. Or I could just get torn apart by walkers. In here there are rules at least. 

I’m going to keep living. I’m going to take good care of the children here. I’m going to write down all the songs I can remember. I don’t have Daddy or Maggie to remind me when I forget a line. It makes me sick that songs could get lost. Fewer batteries to play cd’s. Sheet music molding or being used to start fires. I wonder if we could go get the piano and sheet music from the funeral home. 

I’m going to stay alive to take care of the little ones, read the Bible, and preserve music. I’ll be here when survivors from the prison show up. Everything’s different now. Maybe this is what good people are now. Mary says they’re good people, and I belong here with them.

I just read what I wrote and I didn't explain it very well.

This afternoon, I was washing clothes, talking to Anna about maybe hand sewing our own shirts. There’s a pile of clothes that nobody wants, and we could modify them to be cute. They have time to think about that here. Anna’s friend Ten has a full length mirror in her room. They have things here- jewelry boxes and stuffed animals. 

So we were all getting along while we scrubbed clothes. Gareth’s mom Mary asked me to come with her. I followed her into one of the buildings I’d never been in. “The chapel” is a big open room like the dining room, but it’s full of candles -tons of candles. I don’t know where they find them all. 

We sat on the floor, in the middle, with names written on the floor in a circle around us. They were the names of their dead. Some had little tokens like a soccer ball or a toy next to them. I thought the room was pretty. 

I’m trying to remember the order of what she said, because it made sense when she explained it. Not entirely, but enough. It's going to sound evil when I write it down. 

I guess she started with how she used to be a security guard with a husband and three kids. They were in a group of thirty survivors who started this place and put up the signs. Her husband got bit early on. A man named Scott led them. They took in weak and depressed people. Once, they took in four children that had kept following the tracks after all the adults in their group were killed. Some of the people who came had useful skills in carpentry and medicine. Mary said the best of all, was the man who knew how to drill a well and where to find the rig to do it. That improved their lives, to not have to leave the gates to fetch water. There were over a hundred of them. They managed to keep everybody fed. They sent scavenging parties out further. People who had been farm workers led teams out to the peanut fields and peach orchards to keep things going. They had the numbers to protect the farm teams while they worked. She said they didn't have any problems, among themselves, that they couldn't solve with talking or taking a vote.

At that point, I was still thinking that this was just the history of Terminus. I though she just wanted me to know what they’d been through. I thought they’d lost people from walker bits or illness. 

She calls the men who invaded “takers.” 

“Have you ever been raped, Beth?” 

“No.” 

“Well, I’m glad for you. I truly am. That gives me some hope for this world. I was raped forty three times, by eight different men. They watched each other do it. They made jokes and laughed. They told my sons what they’d done. They told me what they’d done to my daughter. They wrote graffiti on my body. They vandalized me like a brick wall or a train car. I could show you the slices and burns.”

“You don’t have to do that.” (I’m so glad she didn't show me. I can handle seeing injuries, but . . . )

She looked at me like she was still evaluating whether or not she could trust me. 

“My daughter’s name is written on the floor there. The same day we wrote most of these names, we wrote that- ” Mary pointed to the spray painted slogans high up on the walls. NEVER AGAIN. NEVER TRUST. WE FIRST, ALWAYS.

“You got your camp back?” I asked.

“Many of us had been killed in the initial firefight. The rest of us were put in train cars and tortured. It was probably weeks. Gareth stepped up. He led us out of it, literally by tooth and nail. We jumped them when they came to take one of us away. Jackson was shot right then, that's his name there. I bit the throat of the man who did it. I was starved and dehydrated at that point. I didn't spit the blood out. I don’t have clear memories of the rest, but our people took their guns and released the other prisoners from the other train cars. I sat down. I had an infection. I was pretty sick. 

“The gunshots stopped. Then I’d hear a few more. It reminded me of popcorn popping. Alex brought me water. He helped me get over to the east field. People were saying that the food was all ruined. The takers knew we would win, so they doused our food with gas. We killed them before they could light it, but we still had nothing to eat.

“We were exhausted and battered, but we were together. We all found each other and clung to each other, out in the grass. They had kept us in several train cars and told each group that the others were dead. If we’d known our true numbers, we would have fought back earlier. 

“There were forty of us there that night. Three died soon after from their injuries. Out of forty, only Gareth had a plan to keep us alive. He pointed to strong people and gave them directions, ‘You two, go get the big pot and fill it with water.’ He pointed to the next people, 'You and you, find fire wood.’"

Mary paused.

“He used his machete to hack up the bald one. The hands, feet, and genitals, he discarded in the fire. That first time, we didn't do it right. We didn't bleed him out first or shave him. . . We intended to cook it all the way. We were beyond hungry. Gareth made us wait until the water boiled, at least. We ate all of it. We took turns drinking the broth with our couple of cups and bowls. . . That meal made us strong enough to rebuild. 

“There's still a lot of work to do. You could have a place here, Beth. You could start the school back up. If you’re a member of Terminus, you’re safe and you’re fed. But you need to BE one of us. There’s no place here for sitting on the sidelines in judgment. You’re a kind person, but the world has gone rotten all around you. The world told us we could no longer be kind and play by the old rules.

I was thinking a lot of things, but mostly that I didn't want to die right then, before I knew if Maggie and all of them are still out there. 

I said, “I've already been eating it?”

Mary smiled like that was a naïve question. “You knew. People know; they just pretend they don’t.”

That part mad me angry. Murder and cannibalism- but the part that made me mad was that I was tricked?! I’m petty and self-centered. It’s like I’m still at Emily’s house, freshman year. Her sister offered me a pot brownie, and I almost ate it, because I thought it was just a brownie. I was pissed about that forever. I need to stop thinking about the past. Nothing that happened then, applies to what’s happening now.

I didn't say much to Mary except that I wanted to stay. 

* * *

I laid down to sleep, but I can’t.

In hindsight, I should have known. I grew up on a farm, and I've eaten plenty of animals that Daryl has killed. Usually people talk about the meat-- who killed it, where, who helped butcher it, how much more of it is left after that meal. At the prison, we'd thank the people who hunted and snared the animals. Nobody said anything about the cow except Mary and Anna. If they had really found a cow, they would have made a bigger deal over it.

I didn't write it before, but I asked Mary if they kill the children too. She said, of course not. She said I could be a great help to them taking care of the kids and keeping this place going. 

\- It’s like what Carl was saying “if we take chances and let people go, they’ll come back to stab us in the back.” That’s what happened with the Governor. 

\- I used to eat meat from factory farms. 

\- What they do here is humane. It’s quick. 

\- Protein is scarce. They don’t have someone like Daryl getting game for them. There are 67 people here including me. Do you know how many mud snakes and squirrels that’d be?

\- They only kill the people who won’t be able to live here peacefully. If you come in with a good attitude, like I did, they’ll take care of you and make you part of the group. 

\- It’s meat. It’s already done. Maybe it’s like how Glenn took that walker’s ring to give to Maggie. When someone’s gone it’s not disrespectful to take their things. Our bodies aren't who we are, they’re just what we use to get around in this world.

My job is to stay alive, heal my leg, write down what happens Please God Forgive Me. If I try to escape they’ll catch me and eat me. If they don’t catch me, the walkers out there will eat me sooner or later. Or I’ll get snatched by a gang like the one Randall fell in with. Mary understands that walkers aren't the worst thing out there. 

Even before the outbreak, none of us were pure. We wore sweatshop clothes and ate food harvested by illegal immigrants who were barely paid for their labor. I saw a website about veganism -- factory farms were evil. War. Human trafficking. Things were wrong before the outbreak, and now they’re even worse. The people of Terminus are the way this world made them. I wish I had Daddy’s Bible here. I want to read Job again. Maybe Noah. I think I’m one of the sinful ones who will be destroyed this time. Maybe that’s what happening now. God’s drowning us in our own dead. Somewhere there’s a good family in an ark waiting it out.

* * *


	5. Day 505

Mary gave me the morning off, so I’m outside writing. I think I write so much now, because I want to stay connected to who I was. When I was with everyone, or even just with Daryl, I knew who I was. Now I have to remind myself. Or maybe I’m writing so much to document how I'm changing. If I live to be old, I’m sure I’ll look at these Terminus pages with regret. “What I've become” sounds so dramatic, but . . . I don’t know. I don’t know anything. If anyone from the group ever reads this – I trying my best, I still love all of you: Maggie, Glenn, Michonne, Carol, Rick, Carl, Judith, Daryl, Mika, Lizzie, Sasha, Tyrese, Bob. Someone on that list has to be alive. I know I've written judgmental things about Lizzie before, but I miss her now. 

This journal is the only place I can be honest. When I talk to people here, I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing.

I threw up my breakfast this morning. That’s why Mary gave me the morning off. I tried to think “pork,” but I couldn't. It was like my whole group was around me, seeing what I had turned into. 

I didn't get barf on myself much, but Mary took me to her room clean up. Gareth gave us an irritated look as we left the dining room. Maybe they’re just playing good cop, bad cop. 

Some people at Terminus have private trailers and RVs, but Mary lives in a middle room of the dorm. It was her choice. Her and Gareth seemed like co-leaders, at first. Now, I think it’s more like he’s the leader and she’s his adviser, like Rick and Daddy. 

Mary has Thomas Kincade pictures up from floor to ceiling. Some of them are from calendars, but a lot of them are framed oil paintings. She has a water cooler and a butane stove. She invited me to sit, while she put the kettle on. I saw store-bought tea and dried roots in mason jars, so I assumed we’d be having tea to settle my stomach. It was something better. While the water heated, she let me go through her basket of shampoos and conditioners. She shampooed my hair for me.

One the one hand, I’m ashamed that I can be so easily bought. On the other hand there was true caring in what she did. She rolled back the rug and did it right there, with a bucket, in her room. She said she picked that central room because of the drain.

“There's no window. Don’t you want to look outside?” I asked.

“No. I’d rather look at cottages and flowers than what’s really out there. And I hate hearing the dead at night. It’s nice here in the middle, hearing all of you girls.” She shrugged. “Alex says I’ll regret this spot, if we get too much rain, and the drain backs up.”

She wrapped a towel around my head for me. It was a crunchy line-dried towel. The pictures, and the shampoo, and the nice hot water all lulled me into expecting a soft fluffy towel. 

She said I can rest this morning, but I need to eat lunch with everyone.

* * *

I ate lunch. 

I harvested and cleaned carrots with Linda (from the first night) and Mary. Linda said that I remind her of Mary’s daughter. 

Mary nodded sadly. “It’s her cute button nose. I’m glad we found you, Beth. I’m glad to have you here.” 

They act like I was on my own, like they saved me on the road that night. I was fine. That’s the good thing about writing things down, it makes you harder to trick. But I do care about Mary. Nobody has mothered me in a long time. 

I ate dinner. 

Gareth asked me to see him his office after dinner. I must have looked nervous cause he asked if I’d feel better with Mary there. I said yes, so we all went together. His office has hand drawn calendars and rosters. They’re more organized then we were. He sat on his side of the desk and we sat on the other.

He asked, “How are you feeling?”

He looked at me, like he’s smarter than I am. He probably wanted me to think that he used to be a therapist or something. That girl Ten, says he was the manager at the Quizno’s that her cousin’s best friend worked at. 

“Much better. Thank you.”

“I’m glad you ate your dinner. We were worried about you.”

“Oh, sorry I made you worry. I’m fine. I'm just not used to eating heavy food in the morning.”

Gareth narrowed his eyes. “It’s not smart to lie to me. We know that you have reservations about joining us. If our community isn't a good fit for you, it’s better that you find somewhere else. We don’t need someone here judging, and crying, and puking on herself. It’s bad for morale. You’re free to leave at any time. I think you’re smart enough that you won’t. But you’re totally free to take your diary and your knife and go shop for someplace better.” 

I said, “No. I want to stay here.”

He looked at Mary and went on to his next point. “Now, I guess, my mother told you that you don’t have to do roundups or butchering. That’s fine. She’s in charge, as much as I am. You’re not a great shot anyway, are you?”

“No.”

“Okay, if you hear someone yell 'roundup' or you hear any shots fired, you need to step back from the strangers. Safe rooms are the dining room, rec room and dorms. We haven't had any friendly fire yet, and we don't want to start now. You're new here. I get it. You don't have to fire a weapon or hurt anybody. But you’re still gonna eat, and I’m adding you into the kitchen roster starting next week. Cooking might be hard for you at first.”

“I have experience cooking and canning. I know you do canning here. Those peaches were amazing.”

Gareth looked proud, even though I doubt he helped make them. Then he was back to his speech, “That’s cool, but I was referring to your apparent revulsion to cannibalism. It is what it is, Beth. We’re on the lookout for a hand crank meat grinder, you know like for making deer sausage, but no luck yet. There’s gonna be bones. Sometimes there’s tattoos. It’s not Soylent Green- it’s people. There’s no getting around it. By the time they get to the kitchen they're broken down into pieces, if that helps at all. The meat will be fresh when we have it, and smoked when we don’t. My mom probably told you about the well, but I think the smoke house is our greatest achievement. We've finally made it rat-proof and got the temperature right. Smoke cured meat lasts for months without refrigeration. (He talked about the smoker for a while. I wonder if they ever cure real hams from pigs.) 

He talked a lot. At the end, he said something like, “They were rapists, thieves, and murderers. They were all people who wanted to burn us to the ground. Don’t feel sorry for them.”

I wasn't sure if he wanted me to say “I understand, Sir.” I left the “sir” out. He’s not that much older than me. I said, “I understand. Thank you. I’m sorry I was crying. I've lost a lot of family recently.”

“Well now you’ve got 66 new family members. There’s no dietary options these days, okay kiddo?”

I nodded. 

Gareth asked Mary, “You told her about public face right?”

Mary nodded. 

(I forgot to say- Public face is when new people come in and they feed them human meat without telling them. They pretend everything’s normal.)

Gareth said, “Good. We have a lot of security outside and inside, but I tell everybody here to be on guard when strangers arrive. If they say anything suspicious to you, tell me or Mary. The second thing I have to say about that is – do not tell them about the meat.”

“I wouldn't.”

“Then we’re cool.” Gareth snapped his fingers. “I almost forgot- you want kids, right?”

“I want to take care of kids. Yes”

“How’s that different from what I said?” He waited, but I didn't answer fast enough. “So, if the need arises, you’re available to adopt.”

That’s more responsibility than I was expecting, but I’m proud of myself that I said, “Absolutely. I can care for them.”

“Alrighty then. I might just hold you to that. So we’re all good?” 

I nodded. Mary didn't say anything the whole time. 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos, guests : )
> 
> Sorry if it's driving anyone crazy that I sometimes use "cause" for "because." I actually think Beth would switch over to "cuz" and a bunch of texting abbreviations to use less space per entry. I'm not going to write it that way though. ttfn


	6. Day 506

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went back and changed the cannibal jargon in previous chapters. Herding people with bullets is a roundup. “Cattle call” will refer to when they extract people from the train car, and butcher them.

It’s really nice in the rec room at night, with all the lanterns and candles. Everybody’s excited that we’re getting a pool table soon. They know where one is, they just have to find more diesel for the semi and make a plan of everything else they're going to pick up at the same time. 

I would ask about a piano, but I don’t feel like it anymore. If there were kids, it'd be nice to play for them. It seems like there’d be more kids here. There were kids at Woodbury. They have a bunch of kid's games on the shelf in here. Mary would tell me what happened to the children, if I asked her, but I'm scared to know. The youngest Termite is probably Ten, and she’s 14. She was here BT = before takers. 

They call themselves Terminants not Termites. Martin warned me that they get snippy about that. If Gareth or Mary ever read this, that’ll be the least of my worries. Just the fact that they felt they had to check up on me like that would mean I was in trouble. I think everything's cool. I told Anna I mostly write about losing my dad and my sister. 

Work was fine- laundry in the morning, garden in the afternoon. I’m kind of excited to check the schedule tomorrow morning. I might be doing orchard work. I haven’t gone out of the gates since I've been here. I told the farm team leader that I used to help my dad prune our trees. Most peach varieties will be getting ripe any day now. 

My ankle is sore and looks gross, but I don’t need the crutches anymore. 

I’m not always assigned with Anna now. There are still areas I’m not allowed to go, but I wouldn't want to anyway. 

They watch to make sure I eat my meat. It’s one of my jobs now. It’s the price of admission. 

I used to always give thanks before I ate. When it was just me and Daryl, it'd drive him crazy. I’d just close my eyes for a second, not even say anything out loud, but Daryl would say something rude like, “Hey while you got Jesus (Spanish pronunciation) on the line, can you ask him for some more arrows?” 

I miss him. I want to see him again, but I don’t want him to see me here, with them, like this. 

I did pray silently over my food when I first got here. Now that I know, it seems wrong to thank God for it. It’s not His doing. In my head I say, “Lord, thank you for this day and for my health. Please forgive me for what I’m about to eat.” 

My mom used to say look for the good. Everything is getting crazy here with all the crops coming in. It’s exciting. Linda and Mary have been begging Jean (the kitchen boss) to put nutmeg in the canned peaches this year. They have such strong opinions about it. It's funny. Reminds me of my mom and her friends. 

* * *

In my room now. Martin came over in the rec room and talked to me while I was writing. He’s always chewing gum, so I asked him where he got it. He said it’s the same piece he was chewing when the virus hit. It was a joke. He gave me a piece of Bubble Yum.

"It's lucky that the salvage team bumped into you when they did. I don't think anybody can go it alone anymore."

“I wasn't by myself. I was with a guy.”

“A boyfriend?”

“No. Just a guy from my group. Our camp got overrun by people and walkers.”

“So, you don’t have a boyfriend then?”

I told him I’m only sixteen. (Lie.) That didn't scare him off like I was hoping it would, so I did what Maggie would do. I said flat out, “I’m not looking for a boyfriend.” 

He was cool after that. He backpedaled. "Oh, no, I wasn't hitting on you or anything." We talked about the upcoming arrival of the pool table, and what movie they might play tomorrow. (They keep track of days here. Weekdays are always two shifts of work, but the weekend is about business meetings in the map room, and remembrance meetings in the chapel. I'm not sure if I'm invited to either of those. Everybody goes to the Saturday night movie in the dining room though. If somebody has been screwing up, Mary and Gareth make them do guard duty during the movie as punishment.) 

I'm glad I was direct with Martin. If Maggie had seen it, she would have been proud of me. Carol too.


	7. Day 507

The movie was Spider-Man. Everybody thought it was so great. I wish I hadn't seen it. New York all lit up and functional made me miss everything and everybody so much more. Not that I've ever even been there, but I used to think that I could go if I wanted to someday. There’s no more Broadway musicals or big flat pizza anymore. From what I've heard about Atlanta, NY must be packed with walkers. I cried a little during the movie. 

They got a screen and digital projector from a movie theater. It runs on a gas powered generator. The generator makes a lot of noise, so they keep it outside and run and extension cord. I just can’t believe how much effort they put into something to stupid. 

Obviously, it’s not the movie that I’m upset about. I feel like if they put all that effort into practical things, they could find another way to feed everybody. Just because our pigs at the prison got sick, doesn't mean animal husbandry is impossible. I think they like living this way. They’re not looking for a way out of it. Maybe that first night was desperate, but it’s routine now. I feel a little bit like, since I've already eaten it, it’s not so bad that I eat it again. At the same time, I know that’s wrong. It’s never too late to do the right thing.

I’m pretty sure we had the same stew for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It was all meat except a few bits of canned corn and potato. Stew is harder for me than BBQ. I keep thinking about what Gareth said about tattoos. I need to stop thinking about it. It reminds me of pork rinds- how there used to be a red stamp on some of them. If I barf here, in my room, Mary will find out about it. I don’t like gristle and fat even when it’s an animal. I wish we did have a meat grinder here. But eating a fellow human being is supposed to be hard. Why should I be comfortable?

During the movie, I remembered when Rick wouldn't let Carl eat a can of dog food. We were too human back then, and now here I am at Terminus, and they’re not nearly human enough. 

Maybe I’m also sad because I didn't get assigned to farm crew today. It was more scrubbing floors and scrubbing clothes for me. Wringing out wet clothes and hanging them up tires me out. I thought my arms were strong from carrying Judith, but I guess not. 

It’s been a week. They measure the weeks here. I went a long time with barely any food and I felt healthier than I do now- healthier in my spirit. 

There’s no one I can talk to about this. They’re all totally cool with it. They talk about the best cuts and ask for seconds. I don't know for sure, but I think Gareth will banish me if I try to talk about it anymore. 

I’m wondering if I should choose to forget that it’s cannibalism. This place would be great if I pretended it was beef stew. I wish I could be like them. If my whole group is dead, I have to be a Terminant. 

Daddy wouldn't recognize me. I try to imagine telling him how it happened. He would say, “But once you found out – you ran away, right?”


	8. Day 508

I was with a crew doing laundry in the courtyard when Mary came out of the map room in a hurry. She took her radio from her ear and clipped it on her belt. When she waved me over to the grill, I hopped up and went. 

“Stir the fire around. Get these steaks hot again, okay?”

“Okay," I said. "Are people coming?” 

She said yes and ran off to get everybody ready. I did what she asked, while everybody else cleared out. After a couple minutes she came back. 

I tried to be subtle, but I suck at it. I said, “I heard the smoke house is almost full.”

“Beth you need to toughen up. We do what we have to. If they can live here peacefully- they’re welcome. If they can't, we put their muscle to better use.”

Jake spoke through Mary’s radio, “Is it smart to have Goldie Locks there with new bears coming in?” I could hear him, not just through the radio. I looked up and saw him on the roof. 

Mary replied into the radio, “Are you saying you’re not going to be doing your job?”

By then, the men were in sight, so she turned down the volume and put the radio away.

There was a big guy in overalls and a shorter, younger guy with blonde hair. The blonde one had a huge bruise on his forehead. The big one didn't seem to be hurt at all. 

Mary smiled and said the same line Gareth had said to me. 

The bigger man said, “That’d be much appreciated. I’m Norm. My friend Sam here doesn't talk.”

“Is that true Sam? You with this guy by choice?” Mary asked.

Norm turned to see if Sam was going to say anything. Sam kept his eyes to the ground. I was as curious as everybody else whether he was going to say anything or not. I wondered if he was medically mute, or if he was not talking for mental/emotional reasons. 

It happened faster than I can explain. I was looking at Sam, and all of the sudden, I saw all this blood and other stuff splatter on his face. At the same time, the sound of it hurt my ears. I think it seems louder if you’re not expecting it. The guy in overalls hit the ground hard, and blood gushed out of where his head had been. Seeing people killed is different than seeing walkers taken down. For one thing the blood is red instead of black. I was shocked. I think my brain went back to seeing Daddy killed. 

Sam took a couple of shaky steps backward. He looked about ready to faint, so I snapped out of it and came around the front of the grill to help him get to a bench. He threw up. 

Mary holstered her pistol and dipped a rag in clean water. She handed the rag to me, but I was too stunned to do anything with it. Gareth stormed in and started yelling at her, so she turned her attention to him. 

“What the hell was that Mom!? Since when do you do it here? Now we have to wheelbarrow him over to processing, probably trail blood all over everything and get a bunch of flies again. Fuck. Today wasn't going to be a butcher day. I don’t have anyone scheduled in there.”

(I know Gareth said what I wrote up there about it not being a butchering day. It’s all so messed up. I knew they were set up to “roundup” bad people into going over towards the butchering area, but I thought they got it over with right away. It makes it so much worse if they capture them to fatten them up or something. Killing an unarmed person in a cage is worse than what happens in battle. Maybe there are prisoners here right now. I hate the idea of those people being inside the walls with us.) 

“He was a rapist,” Mary said plainly. 

“Maybe. But he wasn't going to draw on us! There was no rush! If you’d follow protocol, everything would go a lot smoother.”

“Your way uses a lot of bullets. And I’m not wasting a meal on that piece of shit.”

Gareth was pissed, but that line slowed him down. He asked her, “You know this guy or something?”

I was scared to look at them. I assume she was giving him a nasty look. After a long pause she said, “Martin said on the radio - the little one’s in handcuffs.” As she spoke, she dumped out Norm’s backpack and picked up the handcuffs. “Can you really think of any other explanation for that? If Sam was a danger to himself or others, the big guy would have left him restrained.” 

Gareth pointed to Sam, who was still covered in blood, “Even if you’re right, do you think that was what he needed? To get shrapnel blasted by his rapist’s skull fragments? He doesn't look happy to me, Mom.” 

Mary ignored Gareth and took the wet cloth out of my hand. When she tried to clean Sam’s face off, he freaked out. He backed against the chain link fence, like a chicken that doesn't want to go in the coop at night. 

Gareth was unsympathetic. “He doesn't look grateful. He looks bat-shit. So is he bouncing back or what, Mom? ”

“Let’s give him a couple days. Who’s next up to be a monitor in the men’s dorm?”

Martin was there putting the dead guy in a wheelbarrow. He butted into their conversation. “Uh, Mary, I’m not sure about that. He doesn't quiet look like Terminant material.”

She gave him an authoritative look. “We’re giving him three days.”

Gareth shook his head and shared a look with Martin. He told her, “I don’t want him roaming around in the men’s dorm.” 

I blurted out, “I could be his buddy. Show him around, like Anna did for me.”

Just then, a call came in on the radio that another group was coming in from a different direction. 

Jake called down, without use of the radios, “Mary, we gotta get the Bobsey twins out of there. It’s too many variables, having them right here, with new people coming in.”

Mary handed me a bottle of water. “Beth, will you please try to get him behind the building, over by the garden and water pump?” 

To Martin, she said, “Clean this shit up. Looks like you’ll need a flat shovel, buckets of water, and a stiff broom.” 

He stormed off. 

Mary and Gareth went off to talk to somebody else, or to fight in private, or something.

With them gone, and the other men hauling away Norm’s body, Sam and I were alone. I sat down on the cement about fifteen feet away from him. It wasn't like we were really alone. There were still sharp shooters on the roof, watching. 

“My name’s Beth. I’m going to roll this water over to you, okay?”

It came up short, but he reached for it. He drank a little and poured most of it on his face. He didn't look at me or say anything, but I took it as a good sign that he drank it. If he was totally fried, he wouldn't care about thirst or staying hydrated. 

The laundry wasn't getting done, and the brain bits were attracting flies, just like Gareth said they would. The other new arrivals would be coming in soon. They’d either scare Sam or be scared by him. He still had quite a bit of gore on him. It made his head injury look even worse. 

Linda brought out more meat and put it on the grill. For a second, I thought they’d already cut up Norm, but that was impossible. She tried to work quietly, so Sam didn't freak out. 

I gave her a smile. 

I said gently, “Sam, we have a water pump. You can pour buckets of water over your head, if you want to. I can please take you there?”

They usually like to feed people first thing. I’m so glad I was able to skip that step with my first newcomer.

Sam got up and followed me to the pump. I was going to show him how it works, but he already knew. He got it going and put his head under it. 

“Do you want me to keep pumping it for you?” I asked.

He nodded without looking at me. He lay under the tap and drenched himself. He drank from his cupped hands, then crawled away from it and curled up on the gravel. I sat cross legged, not too far from him. I don’t know how long we were there. 

Martin showed up and stopped a ways back from us. “Mary wants to know if you’re okay with him?”

“Yeah. I think he’s okay.”

“You pat him down?”

“He’s soaking wet.” I gestured at his tee shirt and shorts. “Where would he hide anything?”

“It’s your funeral.” Martin replied casually. 

He was keeping his distance from us, as a courtesy to Sam. Some static-y message came through his walkie-talkie. I didn't understand it but he did.

“Sounds like they’re here. Gotta go. There might to shots. Don’t freak out, just stay to the approved areas and you’ll be fine.”

“Where do I put him?”

“Trailer #7.” Martin motioned for me to come over. He whispered, “It has a lock on the outside. You gotta stay with him or lock him in. But if he does freak out and run, just let him. Somebody else will take care of it. Just keep yourself safe. Or, you know, if you have to, stab him like a 'walker.'” (Martin thinks it's funny that I call the dead, walkers.)

I looked back at Sam who was now lying on his back with his hands over his stomach and his knees up.

Martin spoke into his radio, “Mary, this is Martin. I’ll join Frances on the roof. I’m giving my radio to Beth. Copy?”

“Copy that.”

So now Sam and I are just sitting outside in the sun, waiting to see if shots are fired. We have been here a long time I think, cause I've written a lot and I’m starting to get hungry. There haven't been any shots. That's a blessing. 

* * *

“Are you hungry?” I asked Sam.

He shook his head. Without looking up, he said, “Where’s the trailer where I can sleep?”

I took him to it. It’s pretty nice inside. Hotter than the dorms, but clean and comfortable. He fell asleep right away. I’m sitting at the little trailer table writing.

* * *

In my own room. I might fall asleep before I finish writing. Overall, this was a good day. Five new people. 

Sam is locked in his trailer with a chamber pot (shit bucket). Looking after Sam meant I got to skip dinner and the chapel meeting. I think everybody forgot about us. In the dorm tonight there’s a lot of talk about the family that came in after him. There’s a mom, dad, and two kids, but only the nine year old boy speaks English. I heard their baby is cute, but I haven’t seen her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rita, as the official #1 fan of this fic, do you want Beth and Sam to stay at Terminus or reunite with Rick and everybody?


	9. Day 509

This morning, when I checked the roster, a K was by my name for the first time. K= kitchen duty. For afternoon shift, there was a note, "give Sam the tour." 

Kitchen duty meant measuring out the oats and rice for "grits." We don't have any grits, but we still call it that. Jean says that if she called it oatmeal, people would miss the brown sugar on top, so she calls it grits and lets them sprinkle salt on it. We have big bags of road salt. It's chunky, so we put it in a pillow case and bash it with a hammer.

After breakfast, I was hauling water to the kitchen for dishes. Gareth pulled me aside.

“Hey Beth, I wanted to talk to you. I wasn't very professional yesterday- how I questioned Mary in front of you. I'm sorry.”

I said, “Oh, it’s fine. That was a pretty intense situation. I know everyone was on edge.”

“Yeah. Hey, go ahead and set the water down.” 

I let the hand truck set on the ground, keeping hold of the top of the carboy, so it didn't tip. (We have garden hoses, but no adapter that would hook them onto the water pump spigot. A fire hose isn't the right size either. The well driller guy is dead. No water comes out of the fire hydrant anymore. It's on the long list of things to figure out. Jean says she brings it up every week at the meeting.)

Gareth kept talking to me, “I’m going up for inner west watch. Do you wanna go sit on the roof with me for a while?”

“What’s ‘inner’?”

“Inside the gates. ‘Outer’ is out at strategic high points, so we can keep an eye on the tracks. You’re not afraid of heights are you?”

“No.”

“Great. I’ll tell Jean you're with me.”

He held the ladder for me, so I could go up first. There were shower texture stickers on the roof, showing where you should step. It was kind of ridiculous- duckies and flowers. They do that so you know where the metal sheeting is supported by beams, and so you won't slide right off when its wet. We relieved Tammy.

"Meat stew again?" she asked.

I said, "No. Grits."

"Ha. I'll believe that when I see it."

Gareth and I sat a couple of feet from the edge. The pitch wasn't so bad, but I was glad for the textured stickers and my new shoes. I've been wearing hiking boots to keep my ankle stable.

Gareth looked through the scope of his rifle, then set it down between us. We could see the garden and the trailers. There's the town of Macon, but other than that, it's mostly just trees. We saw Anna and Char carrying a blue tarp from the restricted area towards the kitchen. My first thought was that it was leaves.

Just to break the silence, I asked Gareth if they planned on putting up a taller fence someday. 

“Smart. Yeah, we talked about it. In the end, we decided that, since we have plenty of people on watch, it’s to our advantage to keep the fence how it is. People have snuck over it and thought they were getting the jump on us. It’s best to just let them do that, instead of forcing them to cut a hole in it and weaken the whole boundary. The other reason to keep it low, is in case we get overrun. The way it is now, a person can get over, but a dead can’t. If this whole place gets dead, I want a fence I can hop.”

I nodded, trying not the picture anyone from the prison getting pinned against our high fences.

I kept talking, to try to get my mind off that image. “Sam spoke yesterday. I think he’s okay. He was really tired. He went right to sleep when I showed him his bed. This morning, he was still asleep, so I just left his food.”

“You think he’s a good person?”

This was a trick question if I ever heard one. Daddy helped me craft a neutral answer, in my head, real quick. “I think he could live here, with us, and contribute to the group.”

Gareth smiled. He knew I was sidestepping the question of “good.”

“You write everyday don’t you, Beth?”

Him mentioning my journal made me want to throw it off the side of the building, just to get it out of his reach. 

“Yeah. It’s a habit I guess. I like keeping track of the days. I like how you keep a calendar here, and have the days of the week. Otherwise, it’s all just one long hard slog.”

“You've been counting days since the first case in DC?”

“I think it’s 509.”

“Ha. That’s awesome. My count is from 534 to 554. I lost count when the takers had us in train cars.”

“I’m pretty sure of my count. When I was sick, I had my friends remind me to mark it. Maybe someday we'll find a fancy watch that's got the date on it." 

He smiled. He's probably thought about that too. That old man Dale had talked about it. 

I said, "Other than that, I mostly write about my feelings . . . losing my dad. I have a sister that might still be out there.”

“Hopefully she’ll see the signs and join us. Is she older or younger than you?”

“Older. She’s my half-sister really.”

“You’re not really 16 are you?”

“I was, when this started. I guess I’m 18 now.”

“Old enough to buy. . . ” I think he was going to say porn, but he realized that was gross, ". . . cigarettes."

We both noticed a walker coming towards the fence. He offered that I could shoot it. It was a far away, and I had to lead it by a little, but I got it.

“Nice shot! On a totally unrelated topic, I told Martin to leave you alone. I told all of them. I want you to be comfortable here.”

“I am.”

“Good. And you’re comfortable with me?”

I nodded. The only thing that kept me from freaking out, was that I had my knife on my belt.

“Cool. Another reason that I wanted to talk to you is that the kitchen is messy this morning. That tarp that they were hauling – that was bones from the raw cattle. It thought it might be too much for you, on your first day in there.”

I had no idea what to say. It was way too much for me. I don't even know for sure that they weren't the bones of my friends. Someone else from the prison could have come this way directly and beat me here. I looked at a map. It's possible.

“I know you’re strong, Beth. You wouldn't be alive if you weren't. My mom and I talked about it, and we want you to be a full member here. We don’t want to hide anything from you.”

“You wanted to keep that man, Norm, in a cage?”

“Yeah. I mean, technically, it’s a train car. He doesn't deserve your pity. Mary was right to take him down. I was just frustrated about the mess, and the timing of it."

"Some farmers finish their beef on grain. Is that what you're talking about? With people?"

"Naw. It's more about preserving the meat. We keep 'em alive, till we need 'em. We let them keep their clothes. We give them food and water. It's not a punishment. It's just logistics. If I had a huge generator and a deep freeze, I'd go ahead and slaughter them as soon as they became a threat, but I don't. We're all working with what we have here. You run out of salt; you use the road salt. You run out of room in the smoke house; you hold off on butchering. I'm sorry that the world is like this now. But it is, and there's no going back." Then he contradicted himself. "The meek have inherited the Earth. The evil are being punished. I noticed your necklace. I know that means something to you. You care about what’s right. I do too. We give people a chance to join us. We're fair to all our members, we keep laws, we take people in, we never torture or rape anyone, ever. You have to admit, the cattle thing is the only part that’s not sitting right with you. Right?”

Daddy was in my head yelling counterpoints, but I tried to shush him. I tried to get on board with Gareth’s ideas. Not just make him think I agreed. I tried to agree.

“I understand why you do it.”

“Good. Now, I gotta tell you the bad news. Nobody leaves. Newcomers have to join us, or feed us. I know it’s a lot to take in. I’m telling you cause I’m worried about you and Sam making some plan to go off together. I can tell you right now, that’s not going to happen. We tried letting people leave, and they just came back and attacked us. I’m being straight with you. I’m being a human being about this. I don’t want you to think you have more options than you do. We haven’t made any of these choices hastily or emotionally. The way things are, is the only way they can be.”

I only wanted to get off that roof and be in my room, alone, able to write it all down, while it was fresh in my head. I think I said “okay” or something. 

“Good talk. I’m sorry I didn't have better news. Now you know what’s at stake with Sam. I hope you can convince him to join us.”

After that, I went down and cut up vegetables in the kitchen. All those human bones simmering in pots looked fake. It looked like Halloween decorations. No one else cared. They played "fuck, kill, marry" with the names of celebrities.

When I brought Sam lunch . . . on one hand it was evil to tell him it was cow. On the other hand, I was saving his life. If I play this just right, I can keep him alive. I do think he’s a good person. He's barely talked, but he seems nice. I gave him the tour. We played pool. When I asked him if he wanted Dr. Quinn to look at anything for him, he laughed. I guess her name comes from a TV show. I thought it was her real name. After dinner Sam wanted to go back to his trailer. I locked him in, which is ridiculous, cause he's a totally mellow guy. He understands. I think he prefers to be by himself right now. 

I came right back to my room to write. I shouldn't write in public so much anymore. It makes me seem snobby. I need to be friends with everybody. I can’t afford to act like I think I’m better than anyone else. It was a mistake to not join in with the games in the kitchen. Catching up on my writing at night cuts into my sleep, but it’s worth it. If I’m not honest here, there’s no point to anything. 

I didn't see the baby yet. They’re keeping to themselves in their trailer. Maybe tomorrow. That’s something to look forward to.


	10. Day 510

I’m considering kissing Sam. I can tell right now, he’s a good person. He won’t agree to stay here, once he knows. I have to do something to convince him it’s worth it. It wouldn't be a lie. I do like him. And it’s not against the rules. The only rule about that kind of stuff is, “no men in the women’s dorm.” 

We helped can peaches today. We were on the outdoor sort and rinse crew. Being inside with the gas stoves would have been harder work, even though there would have been less bees. 

There is sugar here. Jean saved it for canning- smart. We had to stop after two truckloads, because we ran out of sugar. I ate three peaches at dinner with the BBQ. (Maybe Norm? I tried to imagine what Sam would say if it was Norm on the grill.) 

He’s next to me in the rec room, reading. There are a lot of people around playing pool, sharpening knives, hand sewing, reading. A few people are discussing BBQ sauce recipes. Everybody agrees that we need honey, but nobody knows for sure if it’s okay to take it out of the bee boxes in the peach orchards, or if that will make the bees leave. I’m pretty sure the bees wouldn't leave, but I don’t want to say so and be responsible if they do. 

Ten said there used to be a computer in here, and they left it as a joke. That’s why the Q/A sheets are taped on that one table like they are. For a while, they thought it was funny to write questions on sticky notes and stick them all over it the computer monitor. Now each topic has a full sheet. The honey question has a lot of opinions on it. The sheet I’m most interested in is, “how do you make goat cheese?” Nobody is very confident that they know the steps and we don’t have a goat anyway. What if they meant human milk!? 

*

I found Mary in her room real quick. She was shocked by the question. “No, of course not, that had never even occurred to us. Don’t worry, Beth. You know all of it now. There’s nothing else hidden.”

“So you would never eat human breast milk or kill a baby? You have a rule against it?”

“Why are you obsessed with these extreme cases? Most of the cattle are men who would have hurt us if we’d let them. There will never be a human dairy here.” She said it like I was a sicko for coming up with the idea. 

“What if that new family won’t agree to stay? What if the boy won’t agree?”

“Anna is talking with them. You don’t need to worry about it. Sam is the only one you have to worry about.”

“Would you kill the little boy?”

“Beth, we can’t very well off the parents and expect him to trust us. Terminus is built on trust.”

“It says ‘NEVER TRUST’ in the chapel.”

She took me into a big hug. “I know you want them to join. I want that too, but it’s up them. I’m glad you came to me with these concerns. I don’t want you talking to other people about it. We’re voting you in on Saturday.” (I didn't know that.) “I hope that family will join us, but if they won’t, I’ll be counting on you to look after the baby. Okay?” 

I believe her about the dairy. I know the hug was to change the subject, but, I can’t help it, I love getting attention from her. We all do. 

*

When I got back to the rec room, Anna was all up on Sam. She was touching his hair and saying how she’d like to bleach hers too.

Sam was relieved to see me. He was like, “Oh Beth’s back. We’re going to play Stratego. So . . .”

Anna didn't give up. She asked him where he’d found the bleach. 

“Some house. My girlfriend Ana and I were on our own for a while. We found a house with blonde dye and running water, so I went for it.”

“Hm. Well, I go on runs sometimes. If I can find some, you should definitely help me do it.”

She was touching his shoulder. It’s like she didn't even hear the part about him being raped a couple days ago. He slide away from her and said that we really, really wanted to play Statego. 

We did play it for a while, till she went back to the dorm. Then we just talked. When I walked him back to his trailer, he kissed me on the cheek. I can’t really say if it was familial or romantic. It was just sweet. 

Then I locked him in. The kindest person here is locked up. 

Oh yeah, and he said it’s so lucky that we found a cow in the road. He believes everything I tell him. I feel like it's his story and I'm one of the villains. 

Maybe I can ask to be there when Mary tells him. I don’t know if it’s always Mary that tells the story to new people. Maybe that’s not the story they always tell. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. I can’t tell what’s real. Everybody around me is saying that it’s fine to eat people. Part of me wants to tell Sam, just so I can be reassured that it is horrendous. It’s starting to feel okay, and I don’t want it too.


	11. Day 511

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Violence against a baby.

I've been reading the things I wrote before. “If living at the prison doesn't work, I don’t know how I could keep going.” The me that wrote that was weak. I was cattle for a long time. 

Sam came along with me to stack firewood in the morning. It goes in a shed right next to the smoke house, but he never asked what kind of meat we’re smoking. He probably assumes beef or venison. He’s actually really good at splitting wood. 

After lunch, Sam and I were out on garden crew. We heard shots. Somebody said the there was a perimeter breach. Then we heard that the fences were fine, but the new boy was bit, and he attacked his parents. Tom, the garden boss, told us to keep working. He said they’d radio him if they needed reinforcements. 

So we kept pulling weeds, but we were all looking around behind us a lot. Anna came out to us, carrying a big bundle of blanket. 

“Mary said to bring this to you. The rest of them are dead.” 

I took the baby out of her arms. She was smaller and lighter than Judith. Her face had blood all over it, and I was covered in dirt. My first instinct was to use spit to clean her off. Sam was right there. He guided me over to the pump and got it going. I know it’s silly, but I felt like a mother. I mean, I loved Judith from day one, but this was even stronger. I felt solely responsible for this helpless little baby.

I had visions of raising that little girl as my own. My head was full of baby names, dresses, dollies, sunbonnets. She made a noise, so I held tight to my chest and started pacing and bouncing a little. I thought I’d call her Emma, if Anna didn't know what her real name was.

My mother used to say “wherever you are, try to make yourself a blessing to those around you.” She couldn't imagine where I am now. She’d smile to see me looking after the baby, but she wouldn't understand anything else about my life now, or what happened next. 

Sam said, “Let me see her face. Let’s wash her off a little.” 

“Not yet. She’s upset. That water’s too cold for her. I just want to calm her down first.”

When she started gumming my shoulder, I thought she was hungry or it was early teething. Sam pulled her off of me and set her on the ground. Her eyes were whitish. Her face was wrong. I don’t know how to describe it. If you’re reading this after the walkers have all died, just . . . the dead look dead. There’s no mistaking it. 

Sam held my arm, so I wouldn't try to pick her up again. 

I wasn't thinking clearly. I said, “What are you waiting for! We need to see where she’s bit and amputate.” I pushed the other garden crew people out of the way and grabbed the ax from somebody on wood crew. “Where is she bit? Take off her clothes! Why are you all just standing around!?”

Sam got in between me and the baby. “She’s turned, Beth. We can’t help her.”

The baby was gurgling in an unnatural way. I knew he was right. I’d known it, but all of the sudden the truth thunked into place. 

I pushed Sam out of the way and chopped through the baby’s skull. It was soft. I used a lot more force than I had too. The blade hit the gravel beneath her. I was out of my mind. I turned to Anna, holding the ax like a baseball bat. “Did you know?! Did you fucking know that she was already bit? You let me think I had a baby, you fucking bitch!”

She looked terrified. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It was a joke. I thought you’d be able to tell right away. She doesn't have teeth. She couldn't have bitten you.”

Sam and Tom got the ax out of my hands. I lunged at Anna. I've never lunged at anyone in my life. I felt like a wild animal who’d lost her cub. People held me back and got her out of there. I think I said every cuss word I've ever heard. My throat is hoarse. 

I’m in Sam’s trailer with him. I think I’ll sleep here. I don’t want to risk seeing her. 

Gareth came by and said we’ll have a mediation about it tomorrow. He asked if we wanted him to bring out some BBQ dinner. I said yes. A couple of days ago I would have loved the chance to miss one of these meals. Now, I don’t give a fuck. I’m done being the cattle. 

*

It’s still dark. Sam’s asleep on the little couch. He let me have the bed, but I can’t sleep anyway. I had a nightmare about Judith. 

I can’t imagine how bad Carol must miss Sophia. Michonne had a baby once. I’m pretty sure of it. They are both so strong. I need to turn my broken heart into fierceness, like they did. I’m trying to slow down and think of how they would deal with Anna, if they were here. I have no idea.

I've never felt wrath before. I thought I had, but I hadn't. I feel it mostly in my arms. I feel keyed up, like there are walkers all around me, but there's no fear. I thought I understood anger. The angriest I’d ever been before this was when a girl at school called my sister a “slut.” That was nothing. I wanted to slap her. I wanted to hurt her feelings. This is wrath. It feels like a sin.


	12. Day 512

Mediation means bullshit talking and not settling anything. They’ll try to keep her out of my sight. When one of us does an outer job like keeping watch, going on runs, or farm/orchard work, the other will stay in the compound. She’ll also have to do pick up’s (hauling the dead walkers away from the fence). She won’t get to see the movie for the next three Saturdays. It was my choice if I wanted to live in the dorm or Sam’s trailer. I picked the trailer. 

Anna claimed that she didn't let the baby get bit. She tried to help “it” by stabbing the brother who had bit onto “its” leg.

I glared at her during the whole thing. It was just me, her, and Mary at a table. Anna cried. She apologized a lot. Mary recommended that I forgive her. I didn't give a fuck.

I don’t know where the baby is now. They probably hauled her off to the ravine.

(That mortician who was putting funeral make-up on walkers. . . he must have been insane. There are too many of them. It's pointless to try. Didn't Daryl say that?) 

I would have liked to bury her though. I could have planted bluebells over her grave, or a weeping willow, like in old songs. 

Sam and I did laundry both shifts today. Gareth offered that I could take the day off, but I kinda liked wringing out sheets and imagining it was Anna’s neck. 

She must have had pail lunches. I didn't see her in the dining room. I didn't see her at all, after the meeting.

After dinner, Sam and I laid on his bed together. He doesn't want to be touched, so we just talked.

Sam kept trying to console me. “It’s kinda like a miscarriage. You thought you were going to be a mother, and then it didn't turn out. It doesn't mean it won’t ever turn out.” And, “I’m sorry. You shouldn't have had to be the one to put her down. I was just kind of shocked and-”

“You should have let me kill her.”

“Who? Anna? You don’t mean that.” He was so confident that I didn't mean it, that he dozed off without saying anything more. I think he’s in love with me. Hopefully that’ll be enough to get him to join us. He’s soft, but he could adapt. 

When I was little, I was terrified that God might harden my heart, like he did to the pharaoh of Egypt. Now that it's happened, I understand that empathy was useless. Empathy wouldn't have helped the pharaoh. He didn't need to let Moses lead the Israelites out of Egypt because it was the moral thing to do; he needed to let them go, because his country was getting ravaged by plagues. Only an idiot would see the first nine plagues and still underestimate God. 

Nowadays, God is hardening the hearts of those he favors. Mary says stuff like, "The world is telling us: we must be hard and pragmatic." I don't think "the world" tells us what to do. It's God. And he didn't tell the Terminants to change; he touched their hearts and changed them. 

If God had hardened Rick’s heart when Lori died everything could have gone different. Rick could have saved our group. If he had let Sasha, Tyreese, and those two white guys join us, we would have been stronger when we fought the Governor. That’s why I said I don’t cry anymore. Rick's crying put us all in jeopardy. If you’re by yourself, you can grumble and cry, but in a group, you have to buck up.

If I was on my own out there, with Emma, I wouldn't have killed her. I would have made a baby sling and shared my food with her. I've heard of that happening at least twice: the Governor kept his kid, and some lady outside the prison kept her husband’s head. This baby wouldn't sleep. She wouldn't be warm, but she’d have the same weight and movement of a child. She wouldn't ever grow or learn. She’d stay a baby forever. Isn't that something old ladies at church used to say? “Why can’t they stay babies forever?” I know this is something I shouldn't tell anyone. I’d only really do it if I was all by myself. 

*

Gareth came by. Sam’s sleeping, so we went out by the garden to talk. He was like, “If you kill Anna, it’s a capital offense. She’s one of us. Fist fights have worked before, but she’s not open to that. I’m trying my best. I've got it worked out so you’ll never see her. You can have alternating rec room days, if you want. And she’s never been into weekend meetings anyway.” 

“Mary said you’re voting on whether to let me in.”

“It’s just a formality. I don't think anyone will vote against you.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” he agreed. He was all reluctant to walk away. “Beth, I was thinking that we could write the baby’s name in the chapel. . . if you want. She was yours in the end, and you are just a couple of days away from officially being one of us. She was practically one of us.”

“I don’t know her name. I was gonna call her Emma.”

“Then we can write Emma.” 

He started walking away. 

I said, “Wait. Why are there no children here?” 

“It’s not because we’re milking their mothers, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

“I’m being serious. The takers killed all of them?”

“Yeah.”

“How come nobody’s gotten pregnant since then?”

He shrugged. “You’d have to ask them. We have birth control. People have been opting to use it." He sighed. "I am really sorry about Emma.”

“Thanks.”

“Are you gonna be okay if Sam won’t join?”

“He’ll join. He’s not stupid.”

“I hope you’re right. I know you've gotten attached to him, and you've already had a shitty couple of days, but can we ask him tomorrow? Public face is killing me.”

“Yeah. Okay. Thanks for asking me ahead of time.”

“No problem. I hope you’re right about him.”


	13. Day 513

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Beth mentions her suicide attempt.

Sam’s gone. Dead. I hope they do it soon. I hope they don’t keep in him a train car for a long time. I already crossed him out on my list.

Mary and I took him to the chapel. He’d never been in here before, so he went on about how pretty it is. 

I tried to get him in the right frame of mind by asking, “Have you ever killed a person?”

“Yes. . . couple days before I got here. Norm had another man with him . . .” 

I said, “Take your time.”

He pulled himself together. “Everything was looking up for me and Ana. We met these people who set my shoulder for me and invited us back to their camp. We were just gonna check a few houses, then take off with them. But there were men in one of the houses. As soon as I saw them, I knew they were bad. They said they were hunting buddies. That’s how they introduced themselves. ‘I’m Rich. This is my hunting buddy, Norm.’ I told Ana to run and I got out my gun. She . . . she wasn't fast. Her leg had healed crooked. I was trying to back away and get out of the house. I heard her scream. When I turned my head, they whacked the gun out of my hand. I couldn't help her. I couldn't even help her die quickly." 

Mary asked how he killed Rich.

“They had me for a few days. One night, I was tied to a tree by my leg and my hands were handcuffed in front of me. They were both passed out. A skin eater came along. I didn't warn them. It bit Rich, but Norm woke up before he could get bit too. I never thought I’d root for one of them instead of a living person.”

“But you would have killed them directly, if you had the chance?” I asked.

“Why are you asking about this? I’m not sorry that he’s gone. I totally respect that you have a zero tolerance policy on rapists. I've already told you guys- I can get better at fighting. My shoulder is healing up. My head is feeling way better. I’ll be ready to do whatever work you want me to do. I can kill deads. I can do whatever you need.”

Mary was impatient. “Men like Norm came here and took our camp once. When we won it back, we killed and ate them.”

Sam said, “Oh, shit.”

She looked at him flatly. “Since then, there have been other untrustworthy people at our doors, and we've dealt with them in the same way. You've been eating it too, since you've been here. If you can live with that, you can live with us.”

“Oh. I thought you were serious at first. Is this a test or something? The answer is no; I’m not a cannibal.”

I tried to help him. “This is a good place to live. You know it is. You can’t leave, though. It’s either join Terminus or die. I was freaked out about it at first, too. But it's just muscle. It's just meat. You get used to it.” 

Sam looked confused, and then he looked pissed. “You sick fucks. Why would you . . . Why make **me** eat it? Just kill me and get it over with. I can’t believe that anyone ever says ‘yes’ to this shit. We’re not plane crashed in the Andes! It not like we’re on a glacier here. It’s Georgia. There’s still peaches, nectarines, canned stuff. I see deer all the time. Somebody here has gotta be a good shot. We can find a book about snares or something.”

Mary shook her head.

He gave up on her and looked me in the eye. I guess I looked hard-hearted, cause he didn't ask me for mercy. He said, “I wish-”

Mary cut him off. “We’re done here, Sam. You can follow me, or I can call some men to take you.”

  


He went with her. Before they went through B door, he called out, “It’s never too late to do the right thing, Beth.” 

I’m still sitting here, writing by candlelight. Mary came back to check on me. She said I did a good job and kissed me on the forehead. 

"I'm sorry it went like this," she said.

"It was his choice."

"Yes, it was. I mean, I'm sorry he was here so long and you got so close to him. I should have been the one to take care of you, after that incident with the infected baby. Anna truly is sorry. Any punishment you could wish on her, has already been done to her. You couldn't imagine how she suffered at the hands of the takers."

I wonder if Mary brought all that up to take my mind off Sam. Maybe she doesn't want me to dwell on what Sam said about it never being too late. 

My old group would agree with him. If I was still one of them, I’d get killed trying to rescue him. Instead, I’m going to live. What he just did, it’s the same as when I tried to saw through my wrist with a piece of mirror.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I know I've taken Beth pretty far from where I found her in "Alone." I hope her OOC actions are coming off as plausible, given the company she keeps now.


	14. Day 514

Yesterday, after dinner, I hung out in the rec room. Most people didn't have to work in the morning, so they were drinking and having a pool tournament. I like that Friday night feels like Friday night here. And they have holidays – Terminus Day is coming up. I guess we’re going to eat and drink to celebrate when they took the camp back. 

I didn't really want to talk to anyone last night, but I wanted to be alone in the trailer even less. It was nice to be near them and listen to them joking around. (I don’t know where Anna was, but she wasn't there.) A lot of the chatter was about how the outhouses are getting full. The first time it happened, they lifted the porta potty with a forklift. Now they use a pumper truck, but it’s still an undesirable job. I’m impressed that people aren’t bitter about their work. It’s a credit to Gareth’s leadership. People volunteer for the dangerous things like cattle call and outer watch, so they can take the rest of the day off. It all works. 

Anyway, I guess I fell asleep in a chair, in the corner. I got startled awake and jabbed my knife outward. It was totally dark except one candle. Gareth held the candle closer to his face, so I could see it was him. 

“It’s okay, it’s just me. I was doing a sweep and thought you’d probably get a crick in your neck sleeping like that.” 

I put my knife back in its sheath. “Sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.”

Other than the two of us, the room was empty and dark. It was probably closer to sun up than sun down. 

*

I’m wondering what the point of this journal is. It’s possible that I’ll die, and Daryl, or Maggie, or one of them will read it to know what happened. I can’t think about it. 

Daddy said there was a guy with the Governor who was making a historical record of what happened at Woodbury. I guess I did that for Rick’s group, but this is still my personal diary. My grandmother kept track of births and deaths in the family Bible. She also noted trips, illnesses, graduations. It was like a family record, so it was sort of public. Her personal business was in letters. I don’t know if I have anyone out there to write to anymore. These days, letters are written in spray paint. 

Ideally, my journals will stay private my whole life, until I’m gone. Then people can read them to learn about the way the world used to be. It might be educational for them, like The Diary of Ann Frank. She wrote about her feelings in there, not just the facts. It’s actually pretty optimistic to keep a journal. It shows faith that someone will be alive later, to read it. ~~If anyone named Judith Grimes ever reads this: you were very loved. I’m proud of you for surviving. And learning how to read!~~

Stupid. I can’t tell the truth if I think about this book in somebody else’s hands. 

Ephesians 4:25 “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.”

My mom would say “put away falsehood” in everyday conversation. It was like a warning if I was getting ready to fib about having done my chores or whatever. Put away falsehood. 

* 

Gareth looked good in the candlelight. I mean, he always looks good, but his brown eyes in candlelight. . .

The first relief, when I woke up, was that it wasn't a walker. Then, I was glad that it was him that was checking on me. 

He apologized for scaring me. He made a joke about poking me with a broom if he ever had to wake me up again. I smiled. 

He said something like, “Okay, you can have this one. I don't need it,” as he set the candle on the coffee table. 

I stood up and asked him to wait. 

He looked at me. I guess he could tell it wasn't something quick that I had to tell him, so he sat down on the couch. 

I didn't know what to say. He gave me an expectant, curious look. Attentive. He runs this whole camp, but there’s also a boyishness about him. Whoever you are – please don’t judge me too harshly. You didn't see his face, or the way he tilted his head slightly and smiled. 

I felt . . . daring or lonely or something. I guess I’m not good at being alone. I only made it about six hours, before I threw myself at somebody new. The sad part is that if Gareth had turned me down, I would've knocked on Martin’s door. I needed to do something confident to get my mind off of Sam and Emma. I just wanted to feel a little more like Maggie and a little less like myself. Drinking moonshine didn't change me the way I was hoping it would. Fewer and fewer things matter. 

It’s embarrassing, but I straddled him right off. Thank God he was into it and kissed me back. We kissed for a few minutes, soft and needful. He knew where to put his hands. He embraced me and rubbed my thighs. He was confident, but not grabby. 

His voice was soft. “What are we doing?”

“I don’t know. Kissing.”

He pulled back as if we were in an espionage movie or something. “Are you doing this because you want to, or . . . 

I was all blurry-headed from the kiss. 

He went on, “. . . because there’s nothing anyone can do, once they’re in the corral.” 

All the warmth drained out of me. I didn't know what to say. I started to get off of him.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Beth. Please stay.” 

I got off of him and sat on the couch. “I’m not doing this because I want something from you. I don’t barter with my body.”

“I know. I know. I wasn't expecting it is all. I’m sorry I said that.”

He took my hand, and that was enough to get me all turned on again. It was ridiculous. People talk about teenage boys being sex-crazed. 

He admitted, “I didn't think you liked me.”

“I was scared of you.”

“But you’re not anymore, are you?”

I said “no,” but the honest answer was – a little. 

“Once you’re one of us - that’s a contract for life. No one here will hurt you, or allow you to be hurt. We’re brutal, but never to each other.”

“So you’re saying I should watch my back until the ceremony tomorrow?”

He exhaled a slight laugh. “I’m gonna go. If I stay, things will just get out of hand.”

I slept in my own bed, by myself. 

*

I gotta go. They rang the meeting bell.

*

I'm in! What a lot of talking, though. Next week, I'll just go the the parts that interest me. The only thing that surprised me was that they have all agreed to eat Terminants that die. I guess it makes sense. 

I feel different. I feel more secure, knowing I have a group of people looking out for me. 

I saw Gareth, of course, but we acted normal.


	15. Day 515

The dishes are done and the stew is already simmering for supper, so Jean let us go. I actually have down time. 

We had peach cobbler with the dumplings for breakfast. The spices were almost right, but the only flour that’s left is rancid and gluten-free, so the dumplings were disappointing. Jean says rancid things won’t make us sick.

I helped make the breakfast sausages. We tried to use the fattiest parts of the fattiest cattle, but it came out like greasy hamburger. Everybody got a “sausage patty” on top of their bowl of cobbler this morning. 

Peach season might last another week, at the longest. We've been using the generator to run electric dehydrators. You’d think that you could just slice them and leave them out in the sun, but they mold, and the flies and bees go crazy for them.

The kitchen has two big ovens that run on propane. I guess they’ll still be useful for baked potatoes if we can’t find any more flour. And of course, the propane will run out someday. Nobody likes to talk about things running out. They think if we send scavenge parties out further, they’ll find what we need. They’re going out tomorrow for the normal stuff, bullets, guns, canned food. The joke is- they’ll go to Atlanta if they have to, because, now that we have sausage, we need flour for biscuits and gravy. 

I love being somewhere that has a future. I love staying in one place. 

I’m pretty sure people will keep coming through the gates. 

Martin was just saying, “If they’re out there, they’ll probably end up here. Everybody ends up here. We’re the bathtub drain of the south, and the last of humanity is swirling around, closer and closer.”

Nobody can believe that I was in Georgia all this time and hadn't heard of Terminus.

I’m sort of writing about all this other stuff, because Gareth is over across the courtyard and he probably thinks I’m all – “Dear Diary, Gareth looks hot in his carhartts.” He does though. And his rumpled button down, over a tee shirt. I can’t stop thinking about when we were in the rec room. He’s was so good at it. Maggie tried to tell me that some guys are better at kissing than others. I was like, it’s not about skill, it’s about the emotions behind it.

If there’s one thing I've learned since we left the farm, it’s that we’re animals. It’s not a bad thing. It doesn't mean we don't have souls. But we are mammals. We’re designed to want to mate. We have nerve endings, and we’re attracted to certain smells. Compared to how it used to be with daily showers, everybody smells bad. Gareth’s smell doesn't seem bad to me though. I want to huff his dirty shirts. Maybe that’s too honest. The weird thing about writing things down is seeing how fast things change. I thought he was creepy, but he’s just calm and calculating. He has to be, to keep everything running and keep everyone safe. 

*

Gareth came over and asked, “How are you doing?” in a regular we-didn't-make-out-the-other-day voice.

I put my journal away and hoped I wasn't blushing too bad. “I’m good. How are you?”

“Good.”

There was nodding and smiling. Then someone needed to ask him something, and he had to go. I came back to the trailer to write. I keep thinking he might knock on my door. 

He was awkward and adorable today. I think I make him nervous, which is hysterical. He doesn't know Beth Greene. He only knows me. I used to be the one who wasn't as good at killing walkers, now I'm the one who tried to ax murder somebody. I don't know if he was there for that. The point is- I'm just Beth here. Gareth doesn't have the context of meeting Daddy and Maggie. He probably assumes I've had sex. 

I need this. I need something big to keep me from wrath, or despair, or the heroic delusion that I can help Sam.

Mary told me, “Every week or two, we have somebody like Sam come here, saying they want sanctuary, but what they really want is for the world to be the way it used to be. We can’t provide that. We tried playing by the old rules, and we had that kindness beaten out of us.” 

There is absolutely nothing I can do for Sam. I’m pissed at him for giving up.

*

They still have the leader of the takers! He’s been in a train car alone in the dark for almost a year. I don’t think he has a name. He’s “the prisoner." 

Gareth and Mary take turns running the meetings. Today, Mary “facilitated the discussion. ” I stayed for the whole thing, all afternoon, in the map room, sitting on folding chairs like it was a Bible study or PTA meeting. Terminus Day is coming up, and people want to do something to the prisoner. 

Theresa, who usually works security, said we should let him think that he’s escaped and then haul him back to train car. Another opinion was that we should stop feeding him “good food” and drop rats and nonpoisonous snakes in his cell. He doesn't have anything that he could kill them with, not even shoes. 

Jake was crying. “A year is long enough. It’s time to drop a dead in there with him.” 

Gareth raised his hand. 

“I hear what your saying Jake, but if we decide he doesn't get to live anymore, we should use his calories. For me, keeping him alive has never been about punishing **him** , it’s been about remembering **us**. If a weaker people had gone through what we went through, that man’s head would be on a pike. It's temping, but I don’t think that’s the best thing for Terminus. We need him." He stayed seated, but it was like he was standing. "The things we do now are hard. We need him to remind us why we do them.” 

Theresa wasn't as impressed as I was. She pulled up her shirt exposing a series of burns that were probably intended to spell a word. I only saw it for a flash. 

Gareth looked ashamed. 

"I don't need anymore souvenirs, Gareth. I need that fucker to suffer. I want him to feel a glimmer of hope and then see my fucking face." 

The discussion was intense, but civil. Mary found the white board marker and condensed each idea into something manageable. After hours of back and forth, she ended up with this list: “Continue keeping him alive in the train car;” “feed him the livers and brains – maybe he’ll get mad cow disease;” “let him believe he’s escaped, maybe for a day or more, then put him back in the box;” “Eat his arms and legs at the Terminus Day feast and make him watch;” “Drop snakes and rats;” “Drop a walker;” “Gag him and convince him he’s a reanimated corpse.” 

Some of those things can go together, so we were allowed to vote more than once. Martin asked if they wanted it to be a BT only vote, but everyone was okay with us AT's having a say too. 

The vote was sort of evenly split. The only thing that’s off the table is letting him die. We ran out of time, so we tabled it. I voted for the first two ideas. If he stays healthy on human livers and brains, we won’t have to discard those parts anymore. I know this is a cold approach to a very emotional issue. It’s really up to them what they want to do with him. It'd just be cool if we didn't have to throw away those parts, now that we have a grinder. 

Afterwards, I was comforting Linda, and Gareth came over. He and Linda hugged. 

To me, he said, “Are you okay with all of this?” pointing to the white board.

“Yeah. It’s fine. I mean I’m fine . . . with it.”

“As we were brainstorming, I remembered that I told you we don’t torture. I meant the cattle.”

"I'm okay with it. Whatever it takes for the community to heal and keep moving on. It’s fine.”

He hugged me. "I'm so glad you're one of us." 

"Me too."

Linda dried her tears and hugged me as well. 

*

I like Sunday nights so much more than Saturday night movies. About thirty of us went to the chapel and Mary wrote Emma’s name on the ground. We put one of her socks next to it. Anna was way in the back, crying her eyes out. I don't feel as violent when I see her now. The prisoner is the real enemy, not each other. 

Several people spoke about the Bible, and we sang hymns. I feel God with me here. Mary says she’s always felt his presence at Terminus. Even at their darkest hour, he walked beside them. She believes the transformation of the enemy into food was a miracle He sent to reward them for their faithfulness through adversity. I can't pretend to know His plan, but it feels like he has hardened our hearts for a reason. It feels like we are chosen. 

I haven’t sung with other people like that in so long. This wasn't just me and Maggie singing by the fire. There's nothing like a whole congregation collectively sending our praises up to heaven. Gareth was there. He doesn't sing very loudly.

I didn't get a chance to speak with him after chapel. I want this to be a real thing. I think it could be. 


	16. Day 516

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beth has sex in this chapter, so I want to say again that I think of her as 18 yrs old. The Beth/Gareth will happen soon. This is a little sleaze detour before we get there.
> 
> The other survivors from the prison are on their way!
> 
> Thanks for playing along that Beth's little green journal has an infinite number of pages.

Today was fucked up. First of all, nobody told me that cleaning up the butcher shop is part of the cleaning crew’s job. We’re shorthanded everywhere. We've been having to shoot off fireworks to keep the walkers confused, which takes people. And all the crops are coming in all at once: peaches, tomatoes, lettuce, green beans. A few people are down sick. 

By the time Mary told me about the butcher shop, I was the only one around to take care of it. Everything was congealed and dried onto the tile. I had to loosen it with soapy water and use a sponge to push the clumps into a dustpan, so they wouldn't clog the drain. I don’t know if something went wrong in there or what, but it was nasty. That room has no cross ventilation. It was about a hundred degrees and smelled exactly how you’d expect it would. They don’t even clean their own tools. The bald one, Royce, thinks he’s a rock star cause he knows how to butcher meat. I've helped Daryl with about every animal that lives around here, and it’s not that big of a deal. I don’t even think they’re doing it right. If they hung the cattle by their feet they’d drain way better. 

When I was doing the floor in that weird meat hanging room, I hit my head on some stupid cattle bone. I was sitting there about ready to cry, when Gareth came in, with his dumb clipboard, asking why I was running late. 

“The schedule said ‘cleaning’ and I thought we cleaned the map room and courtyard on Mondays.”

“Yeah. Except if there’s a cattle call.” As if that was obvious, even though it isn't written down anywhere, and nobody told me. He had the gall to tell me, “This area has to take priority, or it gets really hard to-“

“I get how hard it is! I’m on the floor covered in this shit, and I just hit my head. I'm fully aware that this would have been easier, right after they finished. I didn't know it was my job.” I started crying- pretty much about everything. 

He sat down next to me. “You want a drink of water or something?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry you didn't know. Do you want help?”

“No. I’m almost done.”

He complimented me on my work on the killing room. Then he said, “We haven’t had the chance to talk, since that thing the other night.”

I wiped my eyes. “This (crying) isn't about you.”

“I know. Is this a bad time to talk about it?”

“No, go ahead.”

“Mary thinks-“

“You’re mom thinks! Your mom! You’re 25! Why do you care if she doesn't think I’m good enough for you!?”

“It’s not about being good enough for me. It’s complicated. I’m the leader. I can’t just do whatever I want. Some of the women think you’re too young.”

“So we vote on that too!?” I sort of pushed him away without actually touching him. “Just let me finish this, so I can get the fuck out of here.”

“Beth, I do like you. Maybe in a few months, they’ll. . . This place is fragile. Keeping everything running and keeping morale up. . . I don’t always do what Mary says, but I think it would be a mistake for us to rush into anything. I want you to be able to find your footing here and recover from your losses.” 

“Do you? That's great. Will you go away now, please?”

*

I finished the job, washed up, got dressed, and did what I should have done in the first place. 

When I knocked on Martin’s door, he said, “Fuck off, Albert,” in a weary voice. 

“It’s not Albert. It’s me - Beth.”

He opened the door and looked surprised. He even looked behind me to see if there was anybody else in the hall. 

I had to say something, so I commented on this wallpaper. “You really did staple hundred dollar bills on your walls.”

He stepped into the room and I followed. He pushed his baseball cap back a little. “It’s stupid. And I guess it’s a fuckin’ fire hazard. It’ll be my fault if this building goes up in flames, and the dudes all have to sleep in the map room without heat, this winter.”

I nodded. I felt like I was trying on a whole new version of myself. I dared myself to touch his shoulder lightly. He was wearing a navy blue tee shirt that had worn through in a couple places. I could feel his muscles through it. 

He glanced back at the open door and closed it real quick. 

He was cautious. “I reeeally don’t want to say the wrong thing here. I mean I haven’t even touched you yet, and this is already, totally going to be number one in my spank bank.”

I narrowed my eyes at him.

“I shouldn't have said that. Sorry. You're touching me. I thought this was like a booty call or something.

I touched his scruffy face and neck. He was sweaty and nervous. 

With more confidence than I actually felt, I asked, “You gonna kiss me?”

“That would be extremely cool. Yeah. My only reservation is, uh, they laid it out, in no uncertain terms, that we couldn't ‘bother’ you.”

“I’m 18. I want to make out with you.” I took off his hat and kissed him. He was too eager at first, but he got the hang of it. He led us over to the bed and pulled me on top of him. 

“I still have my shoes on,” I said.

“Doesn't matter. Jesus, you’re hot. I wanna lick your armpits.”

“Gross. Less talking, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He started doing amazing things to my neck and ear instead.

He’s sleazy, but I really do consider him a friend. It was fun. He’s sleeping next to me. I’m still in his room, using his lantern and wearing his tee shirt. 

I liked the things he did to me. He wasn't kidding about the armpit thing, so I let him do it. I was on my back, in my pink bra, stretching my hands over my head. It was actually amazing. He pulled my arm down, so his tongue was tight in the fold. It was sloppy and weird. I could feel it between my legs, like the nerves were mixed up or something. He kissed my stomach and started unbuttoning my jeans.

“Wait. Stop. I said I wanted to ‘make out’ not ‘do it.’”

Martin let go of my pants and sat up. He was breathing hard. “Can I go down on you?”

I didn't answer super fast. He went on, “You don’t have to blow me. I’ll jack myself off. I just want the hair pie. I promise.”

“Don’t call it that.”

“What? You call it your fish taco?” It looks super gross when I write it down, but we were both snickering. He traced the top of my bra cup. “Can I take this off?”

I nodded. We shuffled around and got our shoes and socks off. I took off his shirt and blissed out on the feeling of skin against skin. He just has a little bit of chest hair. I like it. 

Not everything he said was crass. He called me sexy and “so fucking beautiful.” He looked at my body. His room has curtains, but it was pretty bright in here, and he looked at my parts like they were interesting and appealing. He called it "pretty" while he felt all the different parts of it with his finger. Once he got his tongue involved, I couldn't keep watching. I had to lay back and . . . I don't know what I did. I don’t know what I did with my hands, or if I made noise. I’m not even sure he was using his tongue the whole time. He might have switched back to fingers. 

I've gotten myself off before by hand or with an electric toothbrush. Today was way more intense. He moaned into me, just as it was happening for me. It felt universal, in the sense that it was bigger than us. Also, in the sense that it didn't matter too much who he was. It was my experience. He just helped me get there.

I nudged him away when I needed a break. He looked up at me, and he was absolutely the sleaziest he has ever looked – my wetness around his mouth, one of his hands fumbling to get his own fly open. 

I changed my mind.

“Martin, do you have a condom?”

He was skeptical. “You told me you didn't want to do that.”

“I changed my mind.”

He wiped off his mouth with the back of his hand. “I thought you wanted a baby.”

“Not yours.” 

He shrugged. “Yeah. Okay.” He looked in a drawer and a box, and came up empty. “If you wait a sec, I’ll run down to medical.”

I shook my head. I put my pants on really fast and had him lay down on the bed. I sat on top of his thighs and used my hand. It was actually kind of fun. Part way through, he handed me a bottle of lotion. I might have hurt him on the first part (?). He says the grossest things when he orgasms, but I was expecting it, so it didn't matter. It’s just how he talks. He used a cast-off tee shirt to catch the stuff when it shot out. It was my shirt. I’ll have to wear this one back to my place.

I feel fine about what I did to him, and I feel really good about what he did to me. It’s ironic that physically connecting with someone made me feel independent. Everybody is going to know about this. He’ll talk. Or they’ll see me when I leave. There are always four people on the roofs and one more walking the perimeter. It’s okay that people will know. Maybe they'll start thinking of me as an adult. People hook up all the time here. There are a few girls in the dorm that hook up with each other. I guess Martin’s awake. He’s giving me a hickie on the side of my ass. . . I’ll write more later.


	17. Day 517

It’s hard to write things in the order they happened, but I’ll do my best. 

Last night, Martin said, “You can stay over if you want to, but people will notice.”

I ran my fingers through his dirty hair. I was sitting up, and he was lying down, with his mouth on my hip/butt area. 

I said, “They’ll find out anyway. Don’t you think?”

“I could help you sneak out. Wait till everybody’s asleep. I can go up and bullshit with whoever’s on the roof, while you slip out.”

“You don’t want people to know?”

“Me?” He scoffed. “I don’t know. I thought you wouldn't want them to know.”

Somebody knocked on his door right then. He pulled his pants on real fast and only opened the door a crack. 

I could hear Alex say, “Why aren't you opening the door? Is Payton in there?”

(There are two Paytons here. At the time, I assumed Alex was referring to the white lady who’s in her late thirties and married to Dan. She's always with Dan, so I don’t think she would have time to cheat on him, even if she wanted to. I'm wondering if Alex could have meant the other Payton, who’s black and in his mid-twenties. All I know about him is that he talks about four wheeling all the time. I didn't even know they were friends.) 

While Alex was at the door, I got dressed as fast and silently as I could.

Martin tried to play it cool. “What’s up? Let’s talk in the hall.” 

Alex lowered his voice. “Is **Beth** in there?” He pushed open the door and saw me. “What the fuck? Gareth is two rooms away, literally crying over your crazy ass.”

I stood up. I was wearing Martin’s shirt with no bra underneath, but at least I got my pants buttoned in time. All I could think to say was, “He didn't want me, Alex. He said Mary thought I was too young.”

“You’re too something, that’s for sure.”

Martin put a hand on Alex’s arm. “Calm down, man. That’s not why you’re here. What’s going on?”

“We got a leppy at the gate. Everybody’s looking for Beth.” He looked at me, “You weren't in your trailer, or the rec room, or the women’s dorm, or anywhere that it would make any sense at all for you to be.”

I tried to tell him, “Gareth ended it before it even started. And it's none of your business.”

He looked to my bracelets - the scars under my bracelets. “You need to stay away from my brother.” 

And he left. That was it. I think Martin and I stood there stunned for a few seconds after the door slammed shut. 

Martin tried to make me feel better, “Ehh. Alex can be a dick sometimes. I wouldn't worry about it. You could probably still work it out with Gareth. Some guys like that jealousy/cuckold thing.” 

“I wasn't . . .” I didn't even try to explain normal relationships to Martin. 

I put on my shoes and washed my hands in his basin. I was thinking how dumb it was for Gareth to tell his brother how he felt, instead of telling me. The whole thing ~~was~~ is all screwed up. I finished washing my hands and face. My brain came back around to the issue at hand.

“What’s a leppy?”

“An orphan.” Martin smiled. “You should go check it out.” 

“Sorry, if I made trouble for you.”

“It was worth it.”

*

The child wasn't in the courtyard or medical. I finally found her in Mary’s room, on her big bed, eating a bowl of sliced peaches. Her face was filthy except where her tears had cleared a path through the dirt. 

Mary acknowledged me and said to the little girl, “Griselda, there’s someone I want to introduce you to.”

Mika looked over at me, and I don’t think any two people have ever been happier to see each other. She jumped at me and wrapped all her little limbs around me. 

There are so few moments of pure joy now. Maybe that’s always been true. I don’t know what I’m doing with Martin or Gareth, but I’m certain how to take care of this little girl. She’s looking at books on my bed in the trailer, right now, as I write this. The sun's coming up on day 517. We’ll go in to breakfast pretty soon. 

I've always liked Mika. She used to play “this little piggy” with Judith’s toes. We got to know each other really well during the quarantine. Before that, she wasn't really a community-raised child, like Judith was. She was her daddy’s, and then she was Carol’s. She asked me once, if I thought she should be able to pierce her ears. I could tell that it was a conversation she’d already had with Carol, and it’d be a problem, if I put my two cents in. I think if we’d stayed at the prison until Judith was old enough to want pierced ears, it wouldn't have been just up to Rick. I’m not sure which way is better. I want to do things as well as I possibly can for Mika.

In Mary’s room, last night, we hugged for a long time. I had to sit down, because she got heavy and wouldn't let go. 

Mary moved the bowl of peaches out of the way for us. 

“Are you two related?”

Mika stayed nuzzled into my neck. I felt weird that I hadn't had time to clean up more thoroughly.

I answered, “We just know each other. We were in the same camp that got overrun.”

Mary raised her eyebrows. “That was three weeks ago. I wonder if she’s been on her own all that time. She hasn't spoken at all. Except to give me what, I assume, is a phony baloney name.”

Mika’s giggle was muffled by her thumb in her mouth. She didn't suck her thumb before. She’s ten. It's not a good sign at all. 

The girl named Ten came by Mary’s room to kiss Mary goodnight. She smiled at Mika. Mika smiled back, without taking her thumb out of her mouth. 

“She just walked in by herself?” Ten asked. 

Mary said, “Yeah, Francine radioed me that Jake had radioed her that we had a child coming in on foot. Payton B and I went out with lanterns to meet her.”

I stroked Mika’s hair and settled us both back against Mary’s decorative pillows. 

Mary went on, “She didn't answer us, but she followed us in, and she ate the food we put in front of her. I wondered if maybe she was deaf, right up until she said her name’s Griselda Gunderson.”

Ten kissed Mary, and me, and even Mika. It’s like that in the women’s dorm, kissing and hair braiding. There’s fights too, but mostly it’s nurturing. Mika might be better off if we move back there. 

She fell asleep on me. Mary tidied her room and ate the remaining peaches. She poured tea for us. 

I carefully rolled Mika off of me and sat in a wicker chair. 

“Mary, thank you, for taking her in. I don’t know how much you know about what’s going on with me and Gareth, but it’s gotten messed up, and I want you to hear it from me, instead of gossip. I really like him.” 

“I know you do. He’s the same way about you. What I want most of all, is for Terminus to succeed. I want that little girl to live here, and grow up and raise a family of her own here. I think we can expand and take in more people until we’re a walled city that includes all of Macon and our orchards and peanut fields. The dead are manageable. If we stay vigilant, the living will be manageable too.” 

She drank some of her mint tea. We used dainty teacups that were probably very dear to someone at some point in time. Mine had yellow roses on it, hers had red. 

“Gareth said that some people think I’m too young for him.”

Mary sighed. “Yeah, and some worry that if you get close to him, you’ll be in his ear and influence . . . whatever.”

“I just like him as a person. I’m not trying to influence anything.”

“It’s not a bad thing to have ambition. A preacher’s wife can’t just love the preacher; she has to love the congregation. She has to set an example and provide guidance, especially to the women.”

“Yeah, but Gareth is not a preacher. And I just want to date him.”

“He’s the leader. If you spend time with him, it causes little political shifts and ripples. Or people think that it does, and that’s the same thing.”

“I didn't tell you the bad part. I was upset after I talked to him, and I went and kissed someone else.”

“Not Alex, I hope.”

“Martin. Alex walked in on us and now he’s angry at me.”

Mary wasn't fazed. “That explains the shirt. Don’t worry about Alex. He’ll warm up to you, once he understands that you’re strong. He's just being protective of his big brother. Your scars make him uncomfortable.”

There was no use denying it. “It was really early on, when I realized my mom and brother weren't going to get better. And a little girl had been lost. You know how it was, when the rug was first pulled out from under us.”

“Those of us that are still standing are like tempered steal. Each fire has made us stronger. That’s what I tell myself anyway. Things will work out with Gareth. You should get this little one to bed. I’d offer to let her stay where she is, but I don’t sleep well. I wouldn't want to scare her.”

Mika kept her thumb in her mouth for the walk to the outhouses and our trailer. She’s barely spoken at all. She’s still dirty this morning, and she doesn't smell so good. We should take care of that before breakfast bell. She seems relaxed this morning. We slept snug as two bugs in a rug. 

I wish I didn't have these wrist scars. I hope Mika never understands what they mean. 

*

Everybody is crazy about Mika. They've been digging out toys and clothes for her. During breakfast three different women offered to fix her hair for her. I felt a little defensive. Linda whispered to me, “A good mama lets people help her. Love is good for children. More love is even better.” She’s right. 

Gareth introduced her during the announcements. She wants to be called Griselda, so that’s what we’re doing. I hope she goes back to Mika. Ten has never gone back to her BT name. 

Mika stayed by my side while I did laundry all day. After a while she found a marker and drew faces on the old fashioned wooden clothes pins. I’m going to ask Francine to help her make clothes for them. Francine is the boss of the map room and all radio communication. She’s had a hard go of it. She says that message for hours every day. She even goes in there and says it at night, sometimes. She has a pedal sewing machine and a big fabric collection in her room. Maybe she’ll share with Mika.

At lunch, I saw Gareth leave. I made sure Mika was okay with Ten. Then I followed him to his office. 

He looked tired. I didn't know how much his mom and brother had told him. 

He said sadly, “If she’s here, there’s probably more from your old group on their way. I was thinking about putting you on farm crew, so you don’t have to be here for that.”

“Maybe I could convince them to join.”

“I don’t want anybody that has to be convinced. It could mean that they care about you, not Terminus. If you have to talk them into it, we won’t know if they’re sincere, or if their just biding their time 'til they can mount a daring escape and get you and Griselda out of here. We play it safe with new recruits.”

“I didn't understand the food thing at first. I had to be convinced.”

“But you’re special. It doesn't usually happen that way. We had a group of four join a few months back. They even signed the charter, before they took off and defaced our signs. We were able to contain it, but if they had broadcast on the radio . . . a big group could have heard it and gone to war with us. If your friends are Terminant material, it’ll be great. If not, you don’t have to know the details.” 

“Do you want me to do outer work, so **you** won’t have to see me?”

“I can’t do this. I don’t have the energy for this, Beth.”

“I’m sorry. All I knew was that you said you didn't want me.”

“I said I wanted to take it slow. That doesn't mean . . . You know what? Let’s not. I have to figure out the screwed up ammo inventories and I've got, like, seven people I have to hassle about not doing their jobs right. I can’t . . .” He gestured vaguely towards me, like I was a problem instead of a person. 

“I wouldn't have hooked up with Martin, if I knew you were interested.”

He repeated the word “interested.” I think the second part would have been ‘That's an understatement.’ Maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part. Bottom line is I’m doing peach crew for a while. It’s really pretty safe out there with how many guards we take with us. He said it’d be fine if Mika went too.

She and I took clean laundry off the line all afternoon and delivered it around the compound. She ate a lot of meat stew at dinner. She’s playing ping pong in the rec room now, while I watch her and catch up on my writing. I think I’ll read to her from the Bible tonight. It’d be nice to have a little nighttime ritual. 

What I want to do, is put her to bed and find Gareth. She could sleep in my old room in the dorm. 

Love is patient. It doesn't feel patient. It feels like it’s wrong that I’m away from him and we’re both unhappy about the exact same thing. If I went to him it could be simple. Or it could be terrible. He already told me he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. What if he sleeps with Anna just to get back at me? Oh, Anna’s in here. That’s good. 

Martin’s playing pool. We nodded at each other when he came in. At least everything's still cool with him. Holy shit! Payton B is standing behind him, teaching him how to hold the pool cue. So I guess that’s a thing that happens. It’s hard not to stare. I need to get my mind out of the gutter and put “Griselda” to bed. Yesterday and today have been hard, but there’s a little sweetheart in my life that wasn't there before. I’m going to do right by her.


	18. Day 518

Mika and I were up in peach trees all day. She’s doing way better: less thumb sucking, more talking, back to her real name. 

It’s going to be peaches again tomorrow, for us. It’s frustrating that, even with a dozen of us going out, we can’t harvest and preserve all of them within driving distance. They’re talking about moving on to the peanut fields soon. The walkers have been cooperating, just coming in by twos and threes. 

I want to read “James and Giant Peach” to Mika. We'll find a copy someday.

I made a point not to ask her where she’s been since the prison fell. I knew that if she got here alone, it couldn't have been good. 

We were in a tree, and I was handing her fruit to put in the box. She just started telling me. 

“I know my name is really Mika. I’m not messed up. I'm just weak. Lizzy’s the one who’s messed up. She wanted us to be walkers. She got bit on purpose and she wanted me to get bit too. I tried to tell Carol, but Judith had a diaper blow-out and was crying really loud. Lizzy looked at me so mean, that I got scared and ran. I had to shot one biter on my way to Terminus. The other ones, I just ran away from them.”

“Judith was there?”

“First it was us kids and Tyreese. Then Carol came. We ate pecans, but I couldn't shoot the deer, and Carol was disappointed in me.”

It sounds like she doesn't know if Lizzy got Carol, Judith or Tyreese. I guess if they were closed in a tent or something, they could have all died from it. Maybe Lizzy won’t change fast. Maybe they’ll stay where they are and look for Mika. Chances are that some of them are going to make it here. 

I asked Mika how long it took her to run here and I could get a straight answer. She said it was dark some of the time.

I hope that Carol would have the good sense to join us. She’d do anything for Judith, and this is the safest place for a baby. I don’t hold out much hope for Tyreese.

It’s harsh. I’m harsh to think about how much muscle he has on him, and how far that could go keeping us all alive. Gareth will give him a chance, but I can’t imagine Tyreese will take it.

*

I think the flowers in the courtyard and front gate are silly. Especially when I have to haul water over to them. Mika loves them. We sat out by the sunflowers, after dinner, and I sang to her. Gareth came out and sat on the third milk crate. 

I asked him, “Are we not supposed to be out here? I figured the watch would call down if somebody was coming? Mika loves the flowers.”

Gareth used his normal voice with Mika. “I like ‘Mika’ better than that other name.”

“Thank you. This would be a good place, out here, to have biter fights.”

“What is that?”

“Well, you get biters and chain them up. Then the big strong guys fight them, and everybody cheers.” 

I had to interject. “That was at Woodbury, before I met her.”

He said, “I guess I don’t understand the point.”

“It’s just for fun,” Mika informed him mater-of-factly. “Sometimes there’s popcorn.”

“I don’t think we’re going to do that here. We do have movies once a week.”

“I know about movies. I like them.”

“Cool. Thanks for all your work in the orchards today. You guys brought back a lot.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Do you mind if I talk to Beth, alone?”

I made sure Mika knew her way to the rec room and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She shook Gareth’s hand. I don’t know if that was her idea or his, but it was funny. 

“Woodbury sounds like a blast,” he said flatly. 

“That’s who invaded and killed my dad.” I changed the subject. “Mika is doing really well. I think she’ll accept the food situation here. I’m not in a rush to tell her, but she’ll be okay. She’ll get it.”

“Did she say who she’s been with since the prison fell?”

I've already told Gareth about everyone from the prison who could be alive. I said, “Tyreese. Carol. Baby Judith. And Mika’s sister just got bit on purpose, because she admires the walkers. That’s why Mika ran.”

“Jesus. How far away are they?” 

“She ran for at least half a day, maybe a couple of days.”

We were quiet for a minute before he said. “We had talked about you not being here when new people come in.”

“Is that a rule?”

“No. I’m just trying to have a conversation about it. Are you praying for your friends to come, or not come?”

“I don’t know.” 

We looked at each other. There was a lot going on, at least on my part.

What I said out loud was, “I want Carol and baby Judith to join. Tyreese won’t. He’s still playing by expired rules. He’s very strong though; don’t let it get to be a hand-to-hand thing.”

Gareth nodded. “You think Carol would just accept it, if we took him down?”

“I hope so. She was a battered wife. Maybe Mary can use that. It really just depends on what these past weeks have been like for her. They've been eating nuts, so they’re not hungry.”

“That’s too bad. Will you be able to handle it, if your friends arrive, but don’t join?”

“I handled Sam. It’s disappointing, but we have to keep going. We don’t get to get upset.”

He got contemplative. “I don’t understand the people who don’t adapt. My dad was like that. He didn't want us to steal. The neighbors were reduced to mindless rotting corpses that couldn't find their way out of their own bathroom, but he was still in the mindset that it would be wrong to take their food. We did it his way for days and days. After we split the last of the sardines, bread crumbs, and canned cranberries five ways, Mary called bullshit. She took the shotgun and went and got all good stuff out of the neighbor’s house.”

“That sounds like her. Your dad was killed before the takers came here?”

“It was sort of for the best. He didn't have to see it, or hear it.”

I moved my crate closer and took Gareth’s hand. “I'm sorry. The Governor at Woodbury, he raped my sister.”

“But not you?”

“No. You know that’s never going to happen here again? Right? You’re doing everything right. You’re doing a good job keeping us safe.”

“It’s easy to butcher the ones like Norm. I’ll be worried about you, if we have to kill Carol . . . or Rick, or your sister.”

“There’s no use getting upset over things that haven’t happened yet. I’m stable, if that’s what you’re getting at. I won’t swing an ax at anyone, or try to kill myself. I would survive it. Even Maggie." I swallowed. "I’m committed to this thing, no matter what. Like with Sam, at least his death served a purpose. If he was out there in the filth, he would have died sooner or later, maybe at the hands of some sicko or a walker. But now he's nourishing Mika. His sacrifice allows us to continue. This IS still a sanctuary.” 

“I think so too.”

We were still holding hands. It was sort of a solidarity thing, but it was also physical contact with a gorgeous man in a leather jacket. I didn't know if he was thinking about his dead dad, or the takers, or what. I waited. Maybe I leaned in a little. He kissed me. 

“Okay?” he asked.

“Of course it is. We could be good.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving! I was inspired by "Hunger" by Ekhi and did a little cranberry shout out. : ) And Beth's last line is a reference to the Emily Kinney song. Next chapter is Maggie!


	19. Day 519

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel sadder than I thought I would after last night’s episode. I made this chapter as pleasant as I could to help us all recover.

Gareth and I only kissed a little last night, but the happiness from it lasted long after we parted. It’s more than hormones. I felt linked to him while I was doing other stuff afterwards: playing with Mika, putting away our clothes, writing. 

Mika tried on four different pairs of jammies last night before settling on one. For some reason, the winning combination was a kitten pajama top and My Little Pony pajama pants. It’s a blessing to be able to provide a safe home for her. I know she's not a baby, but her unscarred body makes me think of cherubs. 

I slept well and woke up smiling. Part of it is having Mika in her bed right across from mine, and part of it is Gareth. Maybe I woke up smiling because I unconsciously knew Maggie was close. 

*

Mika and I were up in a peach tree, so I didn't see them at first, but I heard the conversations around us stop. I saw Bob through the leaves and nearly dropped the crate. I climbed down and saw Sasha and Maggie. Maggie holstered her gun and embraced me. When she let me go, I hugged Bob and Sasha. Everybody from the orchard crew had come over to see what was going on. Mika was happy. It was just a joyful mess of introductions and questions. 

Tanya radioed back to camp and told them I was bringing new people back. All three of them said things like, “You don’t have to make a special trip. We were planning on walking another seven miles today anyway. We can help pick peaches. We just needed some water, we’re good now. We can help.”

I drove them back. We moved all the harvest into the smaller truck and took it back with us. It’s been so long since I've driven. I like it. 

You’d think we’d be trying to catch up, but we were pretty quiet. Even Mika. She rode on Sasha’s lap cause there wasn't room for anybody in the back. It was hot and stinky and crowded in the cab.

Gareth met us at the road gate and closed it behind us. I love the sound of that gate swinging shut. I know he’s worried about me getting my hopes up, but it feels right to have them here with us, inside the fences. It was the perfect moment – him locking the gate, Mika swinging hands with Maggie, Bob and Sasha smiling at each other. I introduced him as the leader of Terminus. 

He was charming even when he had to ask unpleasant questions. 

“Can you please lay all your weapons on the ground in front of you? We just want to know what you have. We’re not confiscating it.”

Theresa patted down Sasha and Maggie. 

Gareth did Bob. He saw blood coming through his shirt and asked, “You mind if I look at this, Bob?”

“It's not a bite.”

Gareth cringed at the state of the bandage. “Good thing you found us when you did. We can get that cleaned up for you.

*

We ate hamburger patties and fresh peaches for lunch. We talked, but I can’t even remember what about.

They don’t know where anyone else is. The bus didn't make it. 

Mika didn't volunteer any information about Carol, Tyreese, and Judith. I was glad. They don’t need to know everything yet. 

They saw Dr Quinn and napped, while Mika and I took the truck back out and finished the day’s work. 

Everybody made friends at dinner. Somehow we got on the topic of the strangest item you've ever killed a walker with. Heel shoe, I get. But Alex must have swung that ironing board so hard. I can’t imagine. 

Bob and Sasha played pool, while Maggie and I played jacks with Mika. A couple of the women have been going crazy making braided rag rugs. We had to move one aside to find a flat surface to play. 

Gareth peeked in. My face probably lit up. I was going to go to him. He shook his head and grinned like, _No that’s okay, I was just checking on you guys_.

I went out there a minute later and found him leaning against one of the wooden spool tables. It was the dark end of twilight. The sounds of the rec room were muffled. He kept his hands on the table behind him as I came in close, then really close, and we kissed a little bit. 

I said, “Thank you for today. I know it might not last. It's nice though.”

“I wish I could explain it to them in a way they could understand. I think if they were out there for another six months they would get to where we are now. There’s no way to fast forward it though.”

“What if you exiled them? You could say they seem too weak- they should come back at winter solstice. Or send them on a quest for something in DC or Louisville. Tell them to find Josephine’s son in Jacksonville.”

“Beth. They could die out there, or run into a bad group. Honesty is still the best policy. They’d probably be able to tell something was up. I have to ask them tomorrow. We let it drag on too long with Sam. I hate to see you hurting, but it’s better to get it over with. And we still have to deal with Mika.”

“I want an open committee on Saturday to decide how to tell her. If Maggie and Sasha and Bob decide to die, maybe we should tell Mika that walkers got them. It would be too much for her.”

He hugged me tight and kissed my ear. “You’re a good mom.”

I said, “Maggie’s been leaving notes for her husband. If he arrives, they’ll probably start a family.”

“Beth.” 

“I know. If they say 'no' none of it matters, but they’re all good fighters and Bob was an Army medic.”

Gareth was looking at me. I thought that medic info shouldn't surprise him. I’d told him before. He looked intense, intent, I don’t know. I’m in my room and the dictionary’s on the rec room shelves. 

He looked at me straight on and said, “I love you.”

I didn't say it back automatically. I thought about it for a few seconds first. “I love you too.”

I felt lust, of course, but that’s just one layer of what’s going on. I trust him completely. I trust him to protect Mika if she freaks out about the meat. I trust him to treat Maggie humanly if it comes down to that. 

It’s weird writing about it with Maggie in our room playing make-over with Ten and Mika. Anna walked by slowly and I invited her in. She said "no," but us even speaking to each other is an improvement.

I don’t hold out much hope for Bob and Sasha, but they might surprise me. Everything will be different by tomorrow night. Either Maggie will join us or condemn me. I want to remember everything about how cute she’s being right now, French braiding Ten’s hair and letting her try on her wedding ring.

Mika is painting my toenails. Even without looking, I can feel that it’s not going well. It’s making Ten laugh though, so that’s something.

“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

I’m praying for God to help my friends make the right choice.


	20. Day 520

I sensed that the quilt door curtain had moved. Then I felt the weight of someone sitting on my bed. Mary put a hand on my arm and said, “They broke out.”

I woke up all at once, without confusion. “Did we get them back?”

“Yeah. They broke a window out of the trailer and snooped around. When security confronted them, they demanded to know who’s in the train cars.” 

“Are they corralled?” 

“Not yet. They’re back in trailer #1, without their weapons, zip tied, gagged, and under guard.”

“Thanks for telling me.” I'm sure Mary heard the relief in my voice. 

She said, “For what it’s worth, I like them. If we could, we would welcome them with open arms.” She folded her arms against the early morning cold. “This needs to go smoothly. We cannot endanger our people in the hopes that these newcomers see the light.”

“I know.”

“She’s your blood. It’s okay to be a sad. Just don’t lose sight of the bigger picture. Whatever happens, we’ll pull through it together.” 

“Is he in his office?”

“Yeah. I’ll take care of her if she wakes up,” Mary replied, as she tucked the covers around Mika’s feet. 

*

The door was shut and there were four voices in Gareth’s office.

Payton’s voice was muffled like he was congested or holding his nose. “We should gas 'em. Tied up or not, that black girl is freaky strong.”

Jake was incredulous. “It’s your own fault for standing so close to zip tie her. You got off easy. We all coulda been killed because of you two.”

“You were the one on perimeter!” Payton fired back.

“The entire perimeter. Martin was on trailer park quadrant. I’m still not exactly sure what **you** were on.”

Martin defended himself. “We were just talking. We didn't see ‘em cause it’s dark as hell when the moon goes behind the clouds. They knew it would be, that’s why they waited for their moment.”

Jake raised his voice. “Give me a break! If you were keeping watch instead of smoking pole, none of this would have happened.”

I imagine Gareth made a gesture or gave them a look. There was a pause before he spoke. “Okay. So there’s a question of whether Martin failed on watch and there’s the question of what to do with our three very pissed off newcomers. They're okay for now. Cynthia, George, other Payton, and Dan are on them with lights and guns. I'll talk to them once it's light out.”

Jake asked, “I know they’re friends of Beth’s, but they hurt Payton. They pointed guns at me, at all of us.”

“Like you said, that was his own fault. I don't think they're gonna want to join, but I want to interview them. Lay out the choice.”

Jake’s voice bothers me. “What do you mean 'interview'? I already told you- I was walking the fence and practically bumped into them. I thought they were geeks at first. I radioed for back up and we had a stand-off ‘til these two chuckleheads put their dicks away and gave me some support.”

Martin defended himself and said he hauled ass over there as soon as he got the call. 

Gareth is actually pretty patient with him, considering. He said "Martin. You don’t leave your post. That's what we have reserves for. What if it was a trap or a diversion? And if I ever catch you in delinquency of duty, you, and anybody who is distracting you, will be hauling corpses for a month. Eyes on your quadrant. Hands on your gun. Ears open. Every single time, no matter how boring it is.” 

"Yes, sir."

"We all need to be more vigilant. No more overnight bullshit. We tell them on day one and get 'em sorted. Payton, make a six person team to add to the people guarding them right now. I don't want the pretty one getting the jump on anybody else." 

Jake, Martin, and Payton left the office at the same time. I’m sure they knew I'd been listening. 

Martin said, “Sorry, dude. It’s not looking good for your people.”

“They're not . . . I'm a Terminant.”

“Me too, yeah, totally, and to the flag for which it stands, or whatever.”

I turned my attention to Payton, who was holding a rag over his nose. “Are you okay?”

“Mary doesn't think it’s broken.” He took the bloody rag off and showed me. 

I thanked him for not killing them on the spot. 

Payton’s voice was kind of funny, but he was completely sincere. “We need to just get them into the corral, quick and easy. I mean, if my sister showed up here, I would just sit that one out. We all know that not that many people say ‘yes.’”

“We did.”

Martin shook his head, "They're not admiring the fences and the ping pong table anymore. They're fantasizing about filing the trailer faucet into a shiv and killing everybody, except you."

"I still have to try."

*

I went in Gareth’s office and waited for him to finish what he was writing. Without looking, up he said, “Did you hear all of that?”

“Most of it. They get the choice, but even if they say ‘yes,’ lots of people won't vote them in.”

“Yep. If they get twitchy or head for the fence, that’ll be it.”

“I understand.”

“We’ll go when it’s light.” He looked at his watch. “That’s almost two hours.”

I sat in one of the chairs across from him. 

“So formal,” he said.

“Well, it’s your office. I feel weird.”

“Do you want to go to my room?”

*

I've still never seen Gareth’s room. We were going to go, but things got out of hand and we just pushed some papers and books off the little couch and used that. It was like when you're playing in the ocean and a wave turns out to be way bigger than you thought it was going to be. There wasn't room to lay down on the couch. I sat on his lap, facing him, like we did before. We got our shirts off in a rush. After that, everything slowed down. Our kisses were still hard, but not urgent. I alternated between having him suck my nipples, and grinding against him. We still had our pants on. He gripped my waist in a way that made me hallucinate that I was the figurehead on a ship. Not hallucinate. I knew I wasn't. I just felt how I imagine it would feel to have the sun and the breeze across my naked chest. 

I was even worse at explaining it in the moment. “That feels so good.”

I couldn't see his face, but I knew he smiled. He pulled his mouth off of my nipple. Between kisses on my boobs and chest he murmured, "I want you." 

I made him look at me. His hair was messed up. We were both breathing really hard. 

He asked me, “Do you want to?”

“Um. It might be messy.”

“Oh. That’s okay. We can use my shirt and throw it away. I was wearing, like, three of them anyway.”

“It’s not my period. It’s that I haven’t ever done that exact thing. I don’t know. . .”

I think he was puzzled for a second. He was a little slow to respond. “I didn't know that. We don’t . . . It’s okay. Beth, really it’s- ”

“No. I want to.”

“I don’t want it to be in my office, like this. And we have to work soon.”

“So where were you, your first time?”

“In a car, in the girl’s driveway. It could have been better.”

I felt jealous of that girl, even though it was years ago, and she was probably dead. I felt jealous that he'd called Sasha pretty. I kissed him hard and pushed my crotch against his. He took the Lord’s name in vain. I kept doing it-- gyrating my jeans against his until he shuddered and came in his pants. 

Even though I was trying to make it happen, I was surprised when it did. “I didn't know guys could do that.”

“It’s not something we brag about. I think it’s usually on accident.”

We heard somebody walking past the door. He looked at his watch. I was listening for people; I didn't notice, at first, that he was unbuttoning my pants. 

He got his finger through my clothing and found the nub. He worked against it in tiny strokes. I was reduced to need. Nothing mattered, except that he kept doing exactly what he was doing. I had to stop for a second to get my pants all the way off. I returned to his lap, higher up, so he could kiss my nipples at the same time. 

He looked up at me, without slowing his hand. “You gonna come for me?”

I whimpered and tighten my grip in his shoulder. I flexed my inside muscles over and over while he gave my clit slippery friction. 

I must have made noise.

“Shhhh. Bite my shoulder,” he whispered. 

He tasted salty. I sucked on him hard. I thrusted against his hand, but I felt self-conscious, so I let him regained control of the rhythm. He kept his thumb moving on my clit and reached his other hand behind me to smear my juices across both holes. I said "yeesss" as he slipped a finger into each of them. Without meaning to, I squeezed down on him, still biting his shoulder and kissing it. 

He gasped either from the tightness on his fingers or the bite. He said, "Come on Sweetie, you're almost there. I can feel it."

I had the thought, "Beth Greene would never do this." I arrived. I crumpled. My orgasm went on and on. I saw the ocean. I felt his fingers sliding, almost against each other, as they moved in different parts of me. I’m pretty sure I stayed quiet. There was a purple mark on his shoulder when we were done. And pink dents where I'd bit him. Those faded fast. (We need to find a place where I can make noise. I don't want to hold back next time.)

He asked, “Are you good?”

I nodded. My lips were chapped and I was worn out. He was hard again, but there wasn't time for it. My knees were wobbly. Until today, I thought that was just an expression. 

  


*********

  


While Mika was safely inside having breakfast with most of the camp, Gareth and I went and knocked on the door to trailer #1.

He said, “Cynthia, will you please send out the newcomers, one at a time?" To them, he said, "We have shooters on the roofs and along the fence line. You don’t have any options except to hear us out and have a civilized conversation. We’re not here to hurt you." 

Maggie came out first. Without being asked, she dropped to her knees about ten feet from the door.

Bob and Sasha came out and stayed with their backs to the trailer. Cynthia brought up the rear and handed Gareth a shard of formica. "Bob attempted to saw at his wrist tie with this thing. Didn't work." 

Gareth shook his head. “Bob, what's up? Cynthia's armed. I’m armed. All those people along the roof line and the fence are armed." He pulled down Bob's gag. "What made you want to snoop around last night?"

Bob didn't answer the question. Instead, he asked, "Why are there people in train cars? You have your own jail or something?"

"Bob, not everybody who comes through here gets to fill out a comment card. I'm asking you- what about this place made you want to snoop around?"

"I don't know." 

Gareth was disappointed. He asked two of his people to take Bob to "A."

Sasha was trying to yell, “Stop.” Gareth removed her gag. She talked fast. “You can keep our guns. We won’t make trouble. We’ll never come back here. We’ll just take our chances out there. No harm. No foul. We didn't see anything last night. We thought we might have heard people in a train car, but it could have been an animal or something. Whatever you got going on here, I’m sure you have your reasons. We don’t care. Just let the four of us leave.”

Gareth made a show of counting out the three of them on his fingers and pretending not to understand. 

I tried to save her. “Sasha, you could join us. I want you and Maggie to join, but you have to follow the rules.”

“What kind of rules? Who do they have locked up?”

I watched Maggie’s face while I said it. “You either join us, or feed us.”

Maggie started barfing. The gag kept it in her mouth and the tie behind her back prevented her from helping herself. I didn't think to simply pull it down. I struggled to untie it. I gave up after a few seconds and cut it off. She choked and cried and barfed some more. Even once she had her breath back, she kept dry heaving. 

While I was watching Maggie, Sasha lunged at Gareth. She may have been trying to head-butt him. Maybe she was wishing for a quick shot to the head. He stepped aside and let her fall. Her hands were behind her, so it was a bad fall. She cried out when they lifted her and carried her away. 

Maggie watched them go. She was crying at my feet and still didn't understand my place here. 

She turned to Gareth and pleaded, “Please don’t hurt my sister. I’m cooperating. I’m cooperating. There’s no reason to hurt her.”

I came down to her level, careful not to get throw-up on my clothes. “Maggie, I live here. You saw my room. You met my friends. I’m not a hostage.”

Gareth handed me a handkerchief and I cleaned Maggie's face for her. 

He asked my sister, “Do you believe her?” 

Maggie shook her head. 

Gareth squatted down to address her. “Look, I’m not going to leave you two alone, but I’ll close my eyes. If Beth is a hostage she can blink. She can write a whole escape plan in her notebook and show it to you. Okay?” 

“Untie me, so I can write back.” Maggie demanded, like she had any leverage at all. 

He cut her tie and closed his eyes. 

I could hear Maggie counting in her head - there were 5 guns on her. I got my notebook out. I wrote: 

**“I’m staying here- no matter what. You need to compromise.”**

She read it and gestured towards where our friends had been dragged away. Her eyes were wide with indignation. “Let me use your pen. You know I can’t run. I just want to write something.”

I had one of Mika’s crayons in my pocket. I gave that to her that instead. 

Under my message she wrote:

**“you stab him in the neck. we jump the fence. loose them in the woods.”**

I read her words, folded the paper and put it in my journal. Then I put the book and pen in my back pocket. 

I said, “Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you have more choices than you do.” 

I touched Gareth’s knee, and he opened his eyes. He met Maggie’s hateful gaze for a minute and sighed. “This isn't going to work. She wants to get that crayon through my eye socket.”

I said, “Wait. Give me ten minutes?”

Now that it’s all done, I can see he was right. There was no way I could have talked her around to joining Terminus. Most people don’t have the courage to change. Everybody had tried to tell me. 

Maggie asked, “Why are you listening to him? What happened to you, Bethie?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why? It reminds you of Daddy? Doodle bug. You don’t want to think about him, do you? While you’re here eating people, watching your friends get carried off, and not lifting a finger to help them.”

I said, “They wouldn't join. We can't let them leave. You need a big group to be safe, and it takes a lot of food to feed everybody. We were just lucky with Rick. Daryl carried us. And we got all that stuff from the prison kitchen and from Woodbury. Terminus is over sixty people, we need more than expired pop tarts and squirrels. We use everything we can. I hope when I die, they'll be able to use me too. 

She didn't hear anything I said. She sobbed self-righteously. 

She pleaded, “Don’t let them kill Glenn. Put a sign out saying I went somewhere else.”

“You could both join. You could raise a family here. We’re strong enough to defend ourselves against a group like the Governor's. This is a safe place for babies.”

She thought I was stupid. “Cannibalism. How are you not understanding how **wrong** that is?”

“I was squeamish about it at first.” I shrugged. “I didn't like eating possum at first either. They've been doing it for a year and nobody’s gotten sick from it.”

“It’s not a matter of getting sick . . . Remember that essay you wrote on “Lord of the Flies”? You said that what they were doing was wrong whether the Naval officer had showed up at the end or not. There is an absolute right and wrong. What if a helicopter landed right now, and they wanted to know why you have all these rifles pointed at me. How would you explain yourself?”

“That’s the point.” I told her. “No helicopter is going to land. And if one did, it wouldn't be the Army bringing us antibiotics and the rule of law. It’d thugs coming here to steal our supplies, or take the entire camp. The government is over.”

“There’s still God’s law.”

“You and I shot at the Governor, side by side, Maggie. Anybody that followed the “Thou shall not kill” commandment is a walker by now. And Jesus was kind to the soldiers at-”

“Those were soldiers, not cannibals! You can’t possible say you’re still a Christian.”

“Remember Daddy’s favorite joke? A man is trapped on his roof in a flood, so he prays to God for help. Somebody with a motorboat comes by and offers to take the man to higher ground, but he says, ‘No. I prayed to God for help, so I’m going to wait here 'til my miracle comes.'”

Maggie talked slow and full of disdain, “You're saying God sent the man in the boat to be killed and eaten? That's His plan. That's what He wants us to do to each other?" She pointed at Gareth. "I don’t know what this man did to you, but you're not my sister. You’re no better than the walkers.”

Gareth looked at his watch. He seemed bored. 

Maggie asked him, “What did you do to her? She’s a teenager, you sick fuck!”

Gareth responded to me instead of her. “I think we should wrap this up. It’s just going to get hurtful.”

I met Maggie's stare. “Will you join us? Say it out loud.”

I thought she would say "no" and leave it at that. She dug deep and tried to use my grief against me. “I thought, after everything we've been through, we would at least get to be reunited in heaven, but you're not gonna be with us- “

Gareth cut her off. “Stand up. Hands behind your back. I don’t want to gag you, in case you vomit again. 

“Fuck you.”

“Okay. Gag it is.” 

It was awful. At the same time, at least it was clear. She made an informed decision. If anybody else from the group comes in, I don’t want to see them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with this, AO3 readers. I do have an ending in mind. There might be ten more days. Rick will get his chance to see Beth's transformation, before this is all over.


	21. Day 521

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Character Deaths-- just the same Terminants who died in the show, but it makes me sad.

I should look for a creek, but I need to write it all out before it gets dark. Mika and I are sitting on the train tracks, back to back, hoping Gareth finds us before anyone else does. She's sucking her thumb. I’m writing. We all have our own ways of self-soothing. 

*

This morning we had warm beds, in our own room, in a building full of women, in a community full of people who had our backs. 

Mika dressed in a white shirt, teal skirt, and grey tights with little pink hearts on them. I put on my standard jeans and tank tops, but with matching lace bra and underwear underneath. I thought I'd get a chance to sneak off with Gareth. It seems like it was so long ago. I guess I'm mentioning it because we're getting cold. I would have gone with a no underwire bra, if I had known I had to wear it indefinitely.

I put Mika’s hair back in barrettes. It’s kind of a joke that she does my hair too. We weren't on kitchen duty, so we had time for her to do one little braid for me and tuck it back with all the rest in a ponytail. 

She asked again why Bob, Sasha, and Maggie left without saying good bye to her. 

I said, “Sorry. They said to tell you and give you a big hug. They went to go find Glenn.”

“But I thought Maggie left notes for Glenn to meet us here?”

“I don’t know, Sweetie. Hey, did I tell you that Alex has a copy of ‘Tom Sawyer’? Maybe he’ll let you read it if you promise to wash your hands first.” 

*

The people we joked around with at breakfast, are mostly all dead now. 

*

The first couple hours of peanut crew were fun. A couple of us convinced Tom to leave some rows to ripen more, so we could make roasted peanuts later. I do like roasted peanuts and peanut butter, but I was mostly asking cause I wanted to stop stooping and go home. 

There was one gunshot and then a lot more. We all turned towards Terminus, even though we couldn't see anything from that distance. 

Tom said, “Keep working. It’s probably just a round up. They’ll radio if they need back-up.”

Mika’s thumb drifted up towards her mouth. 

I said, “Hon, don’t. Your hands are filthy. We’re gonna keep working. It’ll be fine.”

When we got back to camp, we found out Alex had been killed. 

Everybody was keeping busy, sort of as a favor to Mary and Gareth, or out of respect for Alex. He really was a nice guy. I think I’m the only person he didn't get along with. We would have worked that out eventually, I think. 

We farm crew people sat in a circle, in the shade, and shucked corn until our hands got sore. Mary helped. Somebody offered her condolences, but she brushed it off. 

“Nothing to be done,” she said. “I’ll take theses box to Jean.”

Linda put a hand on the cart. “I’ll do it. I don’t think they’re done cleaning the courtyard, yet.”

“I’m fine. I saw it happen. We’re all used to blood by now.” Mary started to stare at nothing, but caught herself. “Has anybody checked on Dan? It wasn't his fault. That would have been a clean shot.”

That’s what Mary was like: hard-working, composed, concerned about all of her people. 

When I closed my eyes, I saw the peanut plants all pulled up and drying in rows, the tangle of fine roots and peanuts. During peaches, I would see clusters of peaches in the leaves, every time I closed my eyes. Anything is better than walkers. 

(I'm so hungry. If we can't find the pecan grove, maybe we should go back- find Gareth, eat big pots of boiled peanuts. Maybe the herd will move on. We could lure them. Set off fireworks. Maybe it was just some of the buildings that burned. Maybe part is left.) 

Gareth touched my back. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

I set down the corn and we went out behind the dining room, where nobody goes. At first, he was still in combat mode.

“Do you think we should start the shoot all the way up by the gate? Pull a bus up behind them and push ‘em towards the corrals, right from the start. No pat-down. No meal. Keep our distance the entire time.”

I didn't know what to say.

Gareth kept going, “Martin called it. He’s a dipshit, but he could tell that they were trouble. We knew they hid a bag in the woods. And they pretty much told us that they killed people on their way here. . . I knew they were nervous and desperate . . . I knew . . . and I just let them go off with Alex. . .”

He shook his head. “We had their weapons on the floor. In the map room, we had all their weapons on the floor. Could have finished it with three bullets.”

His hands were shaking pretty bad. I held them. “You've got them now. That's what matters.”

“They’re in "A." We’re going to slaughter them this afternoon. They’re . . . motivated. I don’t like keeping ones like that around any longer than I have to.”

“Were they from Rick’s group?”

“Rick, Carl, Michonne. They recognized Maggie’s poncho.” 

“Get rid of them today. Watch and make sure the butchers do it right. You need to keep a gun on Michonne at all times. And Rick is vengeful, all three of them are. And they’re resourceful and tough. Don’t let Carl fool you. I saw him kill a boy who was trying to surrender.”

“He certainly doesn't strike me as a kid.”

The mood changed. I brushed his hair off his forehead. He gave me a look of admiration. I love him so much.

He said, “I've been thinking. I was thinking it before, but especially now . . . what you were saying to Maggie was true. This is the best place to have a baby. Would you want to, with me?”

I was too happy to know what to say. I just nodded and smiled, before I got out, "We could do that."

His hands weren't shaking as bad anymore. He looked pleased, but tired.

I said, “I know you’re tired, Gareth, but you can do this. Everybody is looking to you. They need to know that Terminus is still strong. God chose us, all he asks is that we be strong.” I stroked his neck, his shirt collar. “Keep doing your job, like this is any other day. There could be more of them. They could be coming in two waves. Maybe everybody got out of the prison. I thought it would have been just a couple of us, but we need to prepare for the worst.”

“It's under control. If there was anyone else out there we would have spotted them. Martin's shooting off fireworks any minute now. I'm going to oversee the slaughter myself. I just wanted to see you first. Alex is in there. I've been putting off getting Royce and George's shot counts.”

“You can handle it. Pretend it's cattle.” I remembered what he’d said about the bag. “What was in the bag in the woods?”

“Weapons? I don’t know. There are too many dead out there right now.”

“It could be a bomb. Cut pieces off of Carl, until they tell you how to disarm it. You have to make sure. Do you want my help?” 

"No, you keep an eye on Mary." 

We kissed. I wish I’d stopped to write about it right afterwards. I was so happy and certain. I felt like I was already pregnant and everything was going to work out. I felt like I was an asset to my people. I thought my insights and caution would help us stay safe. I felt proud of all of us. I really did. It's not just hindsight. I even thought that if my delivery went well, maybe more of the other women would have babies. We could restart the school. 

*

Mika and I were helping clean the kitchen when the explosion happened. I thought it was Rick’s bomb.

I automatically looked to Mika. She already had her hand on her knife handle. That made me miss Carol. I think that’s why I thought one of the walkers was Carol, later when we were running. 

The stove burners under all our pots of corn went out. 

Jean was pissed. “That had to be the propane tank. Those stupid smokers finally blew themselves up.”

Then we heard more shots. A call came through Jean’s radio, “Dead are coming through a breach in the west fence.” 

It had been a long time since I’d had to kill a walker. It felt like a long time since I’d even heard one up close. I had taken off my gun once we got inside the fences. It thought it got in the way, and there's always someone else around who has one. Maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn here. Stay armed.

One came through the open door. Anna was right behind it and put a machete through its head. 

She yelled, “Come on, we have to help close the fence!”

Mika said, “You’re hurting my hand, Beth.”

I hadn't realize I was squeezing it.

Mika was much more clear-headed than I was. It's easy to underestimate her because she's so cute.

She told me, “It’s just like the prison. We have to run.” She pulled on my arm. “I hid my gun in a plastic bag, up in a tree. I know where it is. Come on.”

It was like the fall of the prison. What could I do but follow her? We got out of the kitchen. She kicked a walker in the side of its knee and it tipped over. I didn't stop to stab its brain. I didn't stop for anything. I had smoke in my eyes. There were a group of walkers eating somebody, and I didn't slow down to see if it was Gareth or Mary. I followed Mika through the parking garage and the chapel. 

Ten called out for me, “Shoot it, Beth! Shoot it!” She was too far away. I tried to get to her and stab it. Half way there I saw it had already chewed on her. I would have finished her off, but it was too dangerous. There were too many of them. Mika had already left the room. I would have gotten cut off from her, if I had tried to help.

Even though we avoided them when we could, I had to stab seven of them. My knife handle got slippery and I had to wipe it off on my shirt. 

Things weren't any better outside the fences. Mika ran two hundred feet down the east-bound tracks and stopped. I kept an eye out while she climbed the tree and got it. We were still close enough to feel the heat from the fires. There was so much smoke, and gunfire, and screaming. She opened the chamber. 

“Five bullets. Nobody touched it. I only used one, before.”

I looked up at her. “Stay up there for a minute.”

A child walker was coming up behind me. It still had and piece of intestine in its hand. It was short, easy to knife through the top of the skull. 

The immediate area was clear. I looked up at Mika. “Please wait, okay.” 

She came down to a lower branch. “You wanna go back cause of Gareth. You can't. You'll die, and I'll be alone again. Write him a note.”

When I got out my journal she said, "No, with spray paint." She was pointing to a rusted can that I hadn't even seen. 

I wanted to write his name and my name and arrows, but I was smart. I made an X with a circle around it. I followed our train track closer to the chaos, and marked it right in front of the gate. 

I recognized Mary from a distance. If my heart hadn't hardened, I would have died there. I would have gone to her, just like how I went to my mom. 

The only word for it is confusion. There was too much of everything: sound, smell, images. It's not easier each time you go through it. Killing gets easier. Losing a home gets worse every time.

I haven’t needed to leave any markers, since the first two. It’s been a straight shot. Maybe four miles. I've carried the spray can. One walker that I took down had a little back pack on. I think he'd gone crazy though. He didn't have food or bullets, just a cell phone, a phone charger, and a framed family portrait. I broke the plug off the charger and saved the cord. I could use it to tie a splint or strangle a person. 

There’s no place good to rest, so we’re just on the tracks back to back. The trees would provide cover, but they’d also allow someone to come up real close, before we saw them. There aren't good climbing branches, or else we'd rest up there. 

This is the opposite of when I was out with Daryl.

It is too dark to write anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sad over Mary. My mom committed suicide a few years ago. That scene when Beth goes to her mom, outside the barn, is the saddest in the whole show, for me. 
> 
> Things are bleak, but I promise Beth and Mika won't get attacked by humans or die.


	22. Day 522

  


Midday. We found a creek, but we don’t have water bottles, so we drank as much as we could. The plan is to rest and pee and then drink as much as we can again before moving on. 

Mika pointed to a tree that looked like every other tree, and said, “I remember this. We’re going the right way.”

There’s only one way to go. It’s a train track. And the tree she pointed to was completely average. I can’t be mad at her. We have to keep moving anyway. Even if we don’t find this land of milk and honey that she’s talking about, we're still moving away from that herd. 

I think Gareth is alive. He’s a realist. He wouldn't try to stay and defend the compound once it was hopeless. He would pack water, food, maps, and weapons, and follow the trail I made. Ha. While I’m dreaming, I might as well believe he also grabbed sweaters for us, blankets, candy, a tent, a sharpening stone, rope, toothbrushes, soap, and extra pens in case this one runs out. 

I do think he’s alive though. 

*

We’ve gone a few more miles. The water pepped us up a little. It has just been woods on both sides this whole time. There’s not even four wheeling tracks. Nothing. 

I haven’t seen anything bigger than a squirrel. If things are the same tomorrow, I’ll shoot one. Can’t make a fire without matches, flint, or a mirror and lens. We'll eat it raw, like cave women. Only without a cave, or a fire. 

If we’re out in the open again tonight, I’m going to ask Mika to stay awake some of the time. I’m not sharp. I need to be sharp. I imagine what Carol or Daryl or Michonne would say if they saw us. 

“Why didn't you grab water bottles and jerky while you were in the kitchen? Why in the world would you take off your gun belt right before the shit went down? Two lost little girls. All you can do is hope that it's just walkers that find you. You should shoot yourselves in the head now. Gareth’s not coming. Men like Norm and Rich are going to find you.” 

That’s not them. I know. I’m writing out my fears, I guess. So many bad things could happen. I could die and leave Mika alone. She could die. We could get taken prisoner. Somebody like Merle could read my journal out loud for a laugh. Or it could be a simple slow death. This could be the wrong track. We could have already passed it, and there's nothing but forest in front of us. Some raw animals and creek water will help prolong it, but we'll die out here.

*

That stuff above was stupid. I want to tear that page out, but that is against the rules I've set for myself. Mika saw the walker that she killed on the way to Terminus. She’s sure. She recognized its shoes. This is the right track!

There’s sooo much time to talk. Daryl didn't talk this much. 

I asked, “Did Carol teach you how to fight a person?”

“I couldn't do that.”

“You might have to. You have to be smart. If you have to fight with a person and you don’t have a weapon, hit them upward on the nose, chin, or in the throat. You could gouge their eyes with your thumbs. Hurt them fast and hard and then run away. Bite them if you have to, but do it really, really hard.”

“Gross. Why are we even talking about this? Carol and Tyreese will keep us safe.”

“What if they’re not there anymore?”

“They’re there.” She’s adorable when she’d adamant. I don't mean to be disrespectful. Her logic is good. “We we’re going towards Terminus, when we found that place. If they left the grove, we would have seen them. What ‘til you see it. There’s a frog pond and deer just come right up in our yard. And the people who lived there before had kids. There’s toys and baby stuff for Judith. Tyreese is like the Papa bear. Carol can be like the mom and you and me and Judith can be sisters.”

I don’t know what to say when she says stuff like that. I didn't say anything. I would be strange to see Carol and Tyreese again, but it would make us safer, while we wait for Gareth. 

I’m glad I told Mika that stuff about fighting. Maybe I should tell her about sex and periods too. (?)

*

I told her about periods, just in case Carol and I aren't around when it happens. 

She stopped in her tracks and I thought it was because she was shocked by what I said. 

She spoke so quiet I couldn't hear her.

“What? You see something?” There was a dead walker on the tracks. “That one’s not moving. It’s dead, Mika. We’re okay.”

I took a couple steps and waited for her. 

She started crying. 

I asked, “Did you know this person?”

She started crying way harder, so I knelt and hugged her. She cried and sucked her thumb. I thought she said her sister’s name, but it was hard to tell.

“Is this the one that bit Lizzie?”

“Uh huh.”

I was patient with her, even though I was anxious to see the house. I knew we had to be really close. Once she had cried it all out, she led the way. 

You go through all this brush and then it opens up and it’s like a fairy tale cottage or something. It reminded me of Mary’s paintings. It’s not that perfect, but it’s secluded and there are flowers. 

“Can I use your gun?” I asked. 

She handed it over. We went up along the side using the bushes for cover. 

She whispered, “That’s the water pump, right there.” 

We were insanely thirsty.

“I know. I just want to be really safe. It’s been a week. Someone else could be in there.”

We stuck together and checked that it was all vacant, even the barn and sheds. Kudzu has covered the driveway. 

I drank some water and went back to mark the spot on the tracks. I’m not sure that was the right thing to do. Anyone could be coming from either direction, and stop there to look around. 

We drank a ton of water and took pliers out in the yard to crack the pecans. 

I’m out in the yard now. We saw deer already. Mika is combing her doll’s hair. I have a really good feeling about the people who used to live here. They were set up to take care of themselves. They left sweet toys for Mika. 

There are two old graves and a fresh one that says Lizzy. They used marker on the wood. The flowers on it had wilted. We replaced them. 

This place is great, but staying in one place never works. I don’t know what the fuck we’re supposed to do. Become nomadic?

*

Carol and Tyreese left a lot of good stuff: lanterns, flashlights, batteries, even the kitchen knives and some of the medicine in the bathroom cupboard. 

The house is comfortable, but we felt safer setting up a bed out in the barn loft. I’d love to have the lantern out here, but it would be noticeable and it's a fire hazard. We’re small, so we have to be invisible. We’re very safe from walkers up here. If anybody came here, this isn't the first place they would look. I'd be able to hear them going through the house. I rigged the doors with cans. I also pulled up the barn ladder. We can both sleep and I think we’ll be fine.  



	23. Day 523

I know we can’t stay here forever, but maybe a few days or weeks would be okay. I expect Gareth today or tomorrow. He may be moving slow, turned ankle or something. Maybe he’s traveling with injured people. 

If I was on my own, I would go find him. I can’t leave Mika here alone, or take her back out there. She loves this house. Now she’s talking about me and her and Gareth living here forever. 

I could get a deer with the handgun. I could shoot it in the lung or the head. I should assume it will take two bullets. That’d leave us only three. Mika wants to play it safe and just eat nuts. We talked about eating frogs from the frog pond. She doesn't like that idea either, even if I cut them up and put them in a soup. It’s an option if we get sick of pecans.

We filled backpacks with water bottles, sweaters, matches, and big ziplock bags of shelled pecans. Just in case. The nuts would last longer in the shell, but for our emergency bags- lighter is better. All morning we've been gathering pecans in buckets and putting them in burlap sacks in the house. I think that they’ll be safest from animals if we store them in the house. I found two dead rats in traps in there. I threw them out and reset the traps with pecans. When I was a kid the smell of a dead rat seemed really strong. Now, it’s barely noticeable. So many things smell worse. 

*

fuckfuckfuckfuck. You can’t have a panic attack or go in to shock. Keep writing. You will be okay. You have time to think. You have time to write it all out. Just slow down. Deep breaths. You are alive. You have a gun and a knife. Gareth will be here soon. He loves you. It will work out. You can do this. Stay calm. Don’t say anything until you've thought it through. They will not break down the door. (That was Lori.) 

They came out of the woods. 

First Carol. Mika dropped the bucket of pecans and ran to her. Then I noticed Tyreese. His face lit up when he saw Mika. The three of them hugged. Even though I knew they had stayed here before, I hadn't accepted the possibility that they would come back. Tyreese took off his backpack baby carrier. Judith looked bigger. I would have recognized her out of a hundred babies. Her hair looked so coppery in the sunlight. She reached for me and Tyreese handed her over. I felt overwhelmed. I’m not sure what I felt. She’s so much heavier than Emma was. She recognized me. She could talk better than I could. I’m not sure what I thought or felt. I had assumed she was dead, and then when Mika told me she wasn't, I didn't know what to think. I had tried not to think about her. I can’t remember if I said anything to her or kissed her. The stuff after it overshadows that part. 

I thought he was a ghost. He had the same clothes on as the last time I saw him. His head had healed up. His hair had grown out a little. Sam was right there in front of me. He was startled to see me too. For half a second I was happy to see him. I mean, I did care about him. We spent a lot of time together. That gladness was gone instantly. 

I pushed Judith back in to Tyreese’s arms and took a few steps back. I drew my gun. I could tell that my heart was going too fast. There were more and more of them. **Carol, Tyreese, Judith, Sam, Michonne, Carl, Rick.**

I thought they would kill me. They killed the rest of the Terminants. They burned our home and drew the walkers to us. They released the cattle. They had come to finish me off. Maggie could be with them. This was all going through my head, while I was walking backwards over pecan husks and shells, avoiding the trunk of the tree. The gun, Mika’s gun, was in my hands, cocked, but pointed down. Pointed at Rick’s feet.

Rick came towards me. He made the ‘put down your gun’ gesture. I kept walking backwards. Everybody was looking at me. Nobody drew their weapon.

Rick tried to talk me down. He asked for the gun. I didn't fall for any of his mind-fuck cop stuff. 

I backed away from them and they didn't follow. I made it in here, to the bathroom, and locked the door. Everything inside of me is going way too fast. I think I got here slowly, though. This might be the same thing that happened when we were back at the farm. That could happen to me again, if I don’t stay focused on writing. Sam is definitely alive. Here. Outside the bathroom door, asking me to let him in. 

"It's okay, Beth. I just want to talk."

It sounds like Carol got him away from the door, maybe a little rougher than she had to. She’s asking if I’m okay. I can’t answer. Carol and Tyreese destroyed my home. That’s the only thing that makes sense. I told Gareth there could be two waves. Why was I shucking corn when I knew that? If I had helped, I could have saved us. 

There’s a note under the door:

**Are you afraid of Sam? Why? I don’t know him. Met him weeks ago out there. He seemed weak. Rick rescued him from train car at Terminus. He’s not one of us. You are. love, Carol**

She’s outside the door claiming to love me, when she just killed Mary and Ten and . . . I don’t know . . . it looked like maybe everybody. She wanted her three people, so she killed all of mine. 

I want to open the door and kill her now. I need to be smart. I’m strong enough, but I need to be smarter. Violence won't get me out of this. I didn't see Daryl. That’s good. There’s a chance that I can run away, and they won’t be able to track me. If Maggie, Bob, or Sasha were out there I would know by now. The whole thing would have gone differently. They would have tied me up and tried to “deprogram” me.

Rick banished Carol. If he banishes me, that will be perfect.

All that matters is finding Gareth before they do. I can’t let him arrive at this trap that I've accidentally set for him. 

*

I wanted to write more, but I had to keep Sam and Mika from talking about me to the others.

When I opened the door and came out, I felt like a ghost. I had thought of them all as dead. I had crossed four of them off my list, and I hadn't thought I would ever see Carol, Tyreese or Judith again. 

Either they were ghosts, or I was. It wasn't right for us to ever be at the place, at the same time, again. It was wrong. Everything about it was wrong. I had moved on from them, but here they were. It was like walking but seeing the exact same things over and over. 

They can’t see me. They see little babysitter Beth who likes ladybugs and garden gnomes. It’s like a miracle that they can’t see me. Beth Greene is the perfect disguise. 

When I came out of the bathroom, Carl was the first person I saw. He was eating pecans. He was wary of me, or maybe afraid scaring me. There were no signs of torture on him. Maybe Gareth didn't have time. Carl wordlessly offered me his water bottle. 

I drank, gave it back, kept walking. 

Tyreese and Mika were cuddled up on the couch. I had to assume that she’d told him everything she knows about Terminus. He smiled at me though, so she must not know everything herself.

She’s a real person, her and Judith. The rest of them are just obstacles between me and Gareth. 

Tyreese said, “Sorry we startled you out there. Been a long time since we got separated. It’s good to see you - you look healthy." Mika rearranged herself on his lap. He pet her head and told me, "You don’t have to worry about that blonde boy. Michonne’s guarding him until we get everything all sorted out.”

I didn't answer him.

I could hear Carol and Rick in the kitchen, so I avoided them and went outside.

Michonne was sitting in front of one of the sheds.

“May I talk to him?” I asked.

She looked skeptical. Then again, her resting face is skeptical. 

“Did you talk to Rick?”

“Michonne, please let me in there.” 

She stepped aside. 

It was dim inside the shed. Sam was leaning against the back wall with his hands tied together in front of him. The door closed itself behind me. Sunlight came through the dirty glass of the window and the kudzu vines crowding up against it.

He smiled at me, so I went with plan B. 

“I’m sorry. I didn't know they would do this to you,” I said, as I cut the rope. I rubbed his wrists to get the blood flowing again. “I was in shock. You know how I am. I had to write it out.”

We were face to face. The possibility of kissing was stronger than it had ever been before. 

He whispered, “I didn't tell them anything. None of that stuff matters anymore.”

I couldn't believe the depth of his weakness. That wasn't even the craziest thing he said. He kept talking. 

“I remember when you gave me water. That was the real you. And just now, when you saw that they tied my hands, you were worried that it would remind me of what happened to me before. Right?”

“I never stopped caring about you. I wanted you to choose to stay at Terminus.”

“I couldn't. I love you, but I couldn't. I've had a lot of time to think about it and the conclusion I've come to is: that was just a fucked-up place. It wasn't you that was wrong. It was the situation. I've had so much time to think about it. It was just me in that big dark box. I talked to my dead girlfriend about it. I talked to you. There isn't any scenario where you could have changed their minds. They made rules and they had to stick to them, because if they really looked at what they were doing. . .”

I still had my hands on him. I slowly ran my thumb across the inside of his wrist. I whispered, “I was going to try to break you out and run away, but Mika showed up.”

“That little girl?”

I nodded. “I knew her from the prison.” 

Sam is weaker than cattle. He’s full grown leppy. 

He said, “I didn't know you we're from the prison . . . This doesn't feel real. I've had so many conversations with you in my head. I can’t tell what we really talked about and what I imagined. I was gonna die. . . I thought for sure I was gonna die.”

I whispered, “But you didn't. We’re together now. We just need to get our story straight.”

“What do you mean? We don’t need to lie. It’s not your fault that you ate it. Rick will understand. He was there. It was so bright when he opened the train door, but, still, I recognized him, right away. That’s who I was gonna go with when Norm took me. You and I could have met then. We almost did. And then we met there, and again now. It means something. You know, like it’s meant to be.”

“I don’t want them to know I ate it. Mika ate it too. She still doesn't know what it was.”

“It wasn't your fault. They’ll-”

There was a tap at the door.

Rick said, “Beth? You okay?”

I opened the door, making sure I was in front of Sam. “I untied him. He’s not dangerous.”

“Good. Good.” Rick stepped back. “So you wanna come out and talk?”

We stepped out and stood with him. Michonne and Carol were on the periphery.

Rick was friendly, but he got down to it. 

“So, you two met on the road, or . . .?”

He might have been fucking with me. He might have known Mika and I were there. I needed to keep my story flexible, to account for whatever he figured out from Mika.

I asked, “Where’s Maggie?”

He winced and looked at the ground. He looked at me. In that pause, I was relieved. She was dead. She wasn't right behind them. She wasn't on her way here. Rick mistook my expression. He thought I had too many emotions instead of too few. 

He probably thought he was real brave, telling it too me straight. He's got a big stupid beard now, like he thinks he's Moses.

“She’s dead. Bob and Sasha too. We saw it happen, at Terminus. Carol got us out just in time, or we would've . . .”

(He saw it happen. He was at the trough. I should have been there.) 

His pain was right on the surface, easy to use.

“You try talking it out with them? Like you did with the Governor?”

He looked like I’d punched him in the gut.

I wish I could cry. It would make it all more believable. 

Carol and Michonne were shocked, but they are harder to manipulate. I suspect they suspect me.

I kept it short. I told the three of them, “You can use the house. I’m already set up in the barn.”

Carol asked, “Is it okay if Mika wants to stay in the room she used before?”

“Of course.” 

"Thank you for keeping her safe, Beth." 

Carol wanted to hug me. I couldn't do it. 

I did manage to say, "Yeah, she's tough. You had the harder job with Judith."

She smiled with pride, gratitude, comradery, whatever. I think I managed to make the same expression for her. In truth, I wanted to stab her through the head.

I turned to Sam. “You wanna bunk with me?”

*

Sam doesn't have any stuff. We found blankets for him and laid them out, next to mine.

After that, he went to help collect fire wood and I caught up on my journal.

There are so many of them. Things get done fast. I wanted to say I was going hunting and go walk the train tracks, but Carol got a deer before I had a chance. They have settled in. It's all raked under the trees. The fences have been double checked. A fire pit got dug and a fire made. The grill is off an old barbecue and being used to grill venison steaks. They're triumphant about burning down my home and, now, taking over this one too. 

I’m up in the loft. I didn't pull the ladder up, but it’s implied.

*

I talked to Mika. She came up to get her stuff and say she’s sorry about Maggie. 

I accepted her condolences and we talked about how good it is to see everybody again. 

She said, “It’s okay that you couldn't tell Gareth was a bad person. I couldn't tell either.” 

I wanted to defend him, but there’s no point. She doesn't trust him anymore. She’ll have to stay with Carol and Tyreese, when I go. This is a better home for her anyway. It’s as safe as anywhere. 

I told her, “I would rather that nobody knew about that.”

She looked guilty. “Okay, but I already told Tyreese. I think Gareth was a crazy person. He seemed nice, but he wasn't.” 

“What did you tell Tyreese?"

"That we thought he was nice. That Mary and Linda and everybody were nice to us. I'm sorry. You don't want Sam to know that Gareth was your boyfriend?"

"I don't want anyone to know. I don’t want to talk about Terminus at all. We need to focus on the grove now.”

"Okay. I'll ask Tyreese not to tell anybody."

I assume that everyone knows that I was at Terminus for at least two weeks and that something went on between Gareth and me.

*

Venison isn't that great. After diner we sat around the fire. Everybody was missing somebody. People started talking about their happy memories of Sasha. I tugged on Sam’s sleeve and we snuck off to bed. I thought, after all that love talk, he’d want to mess around, but he thought it was way super special to hold hands and fall asleep. 

I’m using a flashlight to see what I'm writing. I still feel that Gareth is alive out there. I need to find him. It’s not safe here for either of us.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how she keeps getting worse, but she does. Poor Sam. 
> 
> I love getting your comments. If I made a mistake with who would have known what when, let me know.


	24. Day 524

I think I was dreaming about Gareth. At least at first, that’s why I went along with it. Sam was spooning me and that closeness turned into nudges. I did push my ass back against him. I did move his hand to my breast. He kissed the back of my neck. I knew it was him. I just wanted to. Feeling his erection against me was thrilling. Their bodies change in such an obvious way. It’s fun to be able to see the effect I have on them. I can change the shape of them with just my voice or look. By touch, it’s easy. 

He was breathing hard. “Do you want to?”

I thought about it for a second. “Can we do it just like this?” meaning laying on our sides with him behind me. 

He said, “I thought maybe you could get on top? I want to be able to see you.”

I got naked and got on top. There was more kissing and touching. He arranged the quilt over me so I wouldn’t get cold. I rubbed our parts together and it didn’t go in, so I held his dick in my hand and lowered myself on to it. It seemed okay at first. Once it was all the way in, I felt weird. I realized I had been holding my breath. I stayed still and tried to breathe normally. I felt like when I was a kid and I fell out of a tree and had the wind knocked out of me. It wasn’t that bad, but it was alarming. 

“Baby, you okay? Try to relax.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Sorry. You wanna stop?”

I started moving slowly up and down. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t good at it. It was just practice. I tried all different things: sitting upright, leaning down over him and rubbing our chest together, rocking my pelvis back and forth. It all felt experimental. I pulled off of him. 

“I want to try something else. I want it how we were sleeping.”

“But we won’t be able to see each other’s faces.”

I got into the position I wanted, and waited for him. I could hear him put spit in his hand and smear it on himself. It slid in easier than it had before. It actually felt good. I imagined that it was Gareth inside me. My pleasure started building and I started thinking that it could actually work for me. 

Sam said he loved me and pulled out in time to jizz all over my ass crack. He tried to wipe it off with a sock. A minute later he was asleep. That’s honestly what happened. I think, in his mind, we ‘made love’ for the first time and we’re apocalypse married now. 

He looks even dumber when he’s sleeping. I shouldn't do this again. 

*

It was almost dawn when I got up. I was sick of being near Sam. I put on a sweater and jeans and went down to sit by the campfire with Michonne. 

She was boiling pine needles.

I told her, “The winter before we met you, we had pine needle tea a lot.”

She smiled. “Andrea and I would make it too.” Uncharacteristically, she kept talking to me, “Last night, I had a dream that Andrea was alive. She came out of the woods.”

Her attention went to the woods. I looked at the trees and just saw trees. 

She said, “Somebody is out there. Tyreese and Carol felt it too. There’s something watching us, something faster than a walker.” 

Our tea had boiled, so I fixed cups for each of us. 

I tried to distract her. 

“Maybe your dream means Glenn and Daryl are coming.”

“Maybe.”

“I was thinking of walking out that way, anyway.”

That concerned her. “Rick wants us all to stay close to camp.” She spoke to me like I was an animal that she didn’t want to spook. “You’re different. I’m not asking questions, but if you want to talk, I’m here.”

“We’re you with Rick and Carl the whole time?”

Michonne poked the fire. “I was alone. I put your dad to rest and I traveled alone with walkers. Then I found Carl and Rick.” She gave me a slight smile. I felt like she was trying to draw me out and get me talking. 

“You meet any people out there?” I asked.

“Just a preacher. He’d been hidden away, didn’t have any skills. He got bit when we we’re raiding a food pantry.”

She stared at me. I was scared she knew everything. She said, “It’s okay. Whatever happened- it’s over. We’ll keep each other safe.”

I sipped my tea and used Beth Greene’s meek voice. “They told me it was beef.”

She breathed deeply. “We believed them too. We went in there willingly.” After a pause, she went on, “Mika said Gareth was your ‘boyfriend.’” So much for not asking questions.

I couldn’t cry, but Michonne read between the lines anyway. She asked, “He didn’t touch Mika did he?”

That actually shocked me. I met her eye. “No. Never.” 

*

I was going to ask Mika to hide in the attic for a few hours, so the whole group could go out searching for her and I could slip away. I don’t think she would have done it though. She wouldn’t be able to stay in her hiding spot once she heard the concern in everybody’s voices. 

If I told her I was going, she would say something like, “Gareth is a bad person, Beth. You need to stay with the group. We’re safer when we stick together.” She would cry. She would tell the others. Even if she agreed to help me, it would mean saying goodbye. 

I wrote her name on a piece of paper and folded it in half over my necklace. She’ll like it. I don’t need hearts or crosses anymore. My relationship with God is beyond symbols. I feel chosen. I think I am going to be among the survivors. I think Gareth and I will be alive, twenty years from now and we’ll see Mika and Judith again. Everything seems Old Testament now. Maybe we’ll start living longer. 

Time to go.

*

I’m at Gareth’s camp, waiting for him. 

I wrote, “Time to go,” because the group was gathered around the campfire eating venison stew. I got my emergency backpack from its hiding spot in the kudzu. While the group was eating lunch, I went inside the house and riffled through their bags until I found the ammo. I took as much as I could fit in my backpack, which was most of it. I even took the bullets that didn't fit either my pistol or the AK 47 I was taking. Rick’s group still has what they had on them, of course, which is a lot. I didn't disarm them by any means.

If someone had seen me leaving with a backpack and AK, I could have played crazy and confused. I didn't go back to the tracks. I cut through the forest until I saw the tracks. I traveled parallel to them, as fast as I could with all that gear.

I didn't feel afraid. Everything that wasn't survival had been whittled away. I guess the difference was that I didn't have to protect Mika anymore. And I had faith that Gareth was out here somewhere. And I was better armed. Mostly it’s that I feel God beside me.

I kept up the pace from noon to 2:20. (I stole Rick’s watch.) I didn't stop to check if they were following. If they had followed, I would have killed them. I wished I had a crossbow. Killing silently is such an advantage.

My shoes were a good fit, but the gun strap chaffed. And the backpack was lightweight, no waist belt like on a good backcountry packs. After that time in the cold with Mika, I have been wanting to get a good pack as soon as I can. I want to carry more and feel more secure. 

The AK was awkward, but I made good time. After a while, I noticed I’d gotten a little far from the tracks. I thought they were close, but I couldn't see them. I turned in a circle trying to see and hear everything.

I thought I heard a walker. The tree trunks were wide enough to hide behind, so I drew my knife and walked around them cautiously. I heard another moan and saw Martin, not ten feet ahead of me. His face was damaged, but I knew it was him and that he was very much alive. He was backed against a tree with Payton on his knees in front of him. The moment I understood what I was looking at, was the same moment Martin opened his eyes. His lips were parted. His hat was still on, which should not have been as sexy as it was. 

I looked away to avoid his eyes. I checked again for walkers or people in every direction. It was still clear.

Martin rubbed Payton’s head and looked at me while he said, “You like that, don’t you?” He bit his lip theatrically. 

I asked, “What happened to your face?”

Payton stopped what he was doing and pivoted to see me. He stood up and put his hand on his gun. “Any of those fuckers following you?”

“No. It’s just me. Is Gareth alive?”

“Yeah,” Payton answered. “He’s a couple miles away though. He said if we got the chance, we’re supposed to tell you to take as much ammo as you can and meet us out at our camp.”

“I could come now.” 

Martin said, “Yeah, I know the feeling.” He pushed his hips forward as he said it. His hard-on was still out and wet. I've never met anyone with so much foolish confidence. 

Payton ignored him. He asked me, “For real? You wanna roll now?”

“I’m ready. I got everything I could. You guys have water at your camp?”

He nodded, so I took the gallon jug out of my pack.

Martin said, “Wait. Right now? Like right this second?”

Payton rolled his eyes. “Somebody’s gonna come looking for her. We need to regroup and find out how Gareth wants to handle it.” He straightened up his gear, picked up the jug I’d set down, and said, “Come on.” 

Martin didn't put his dick away. He said, “One minute. I bet I can literally do it one minute.” He spit in his hand. Not like bringing his hand up to his mouth and silently putting some saliva on his fingers. He spit in his hand, and jacked off. I had never seen a guy do it before. It’s so violent. We stared at him. 

He was like, “Both of you watching – I won’t need the whole minute.”

Payton was impatient. “Rub it out, man. Let’s go.”

Martin kept sliding his hand fast. “Come on. There’s time, Pay Pay. You can butt fuck me, while I finger her.” He closed his eyes for second. He looked at me. “Ever had a facial?”

Payton could tell I didn't know what Martin was talking about. “It means cum on your face. Let’s leave him.”

“Wait I’m almost there, I’m so fucking close.” His hand pumped his red dick so fast it was practically blurred. “Uhhfuck that ass, take it, take it, youughhh.” 

There were two big spurts of cum. The pearlescent white streamers and confetti decorated the dirt for several feet in front of him. I imagined someone tracking us and figuring out how young he was by how far he got it. 

Payton tucked Martin’s dick away and zipped him up. “We have to go. Now. The sooner we get away from those people, the sooner we can pursue other interests.”

Martin smiled lazily. They kissed on the lips, really lightly cause Martin was all beat to shit. 

(I thought about it on the hike over here. If I knew Rick’s people wouldn't find us and I knew Gareth wouldn't care- I would have sex with Martin again. I would love to watch him and Payton. I can’t imagine anything bigger than a finger or two going in someone’s asshole. I want to see it. I might get my chance. They’re making eyes at each other.)

Martin was bringing up the rear. I was in the middle. I turned my head to side as we hiked. “What happened to your face?”

“Tyreese.”

“Did you set off the fireworks?”

“Naw. He stopped me. He held me hostage while Queen Bitch burned it all down.”

Payton said, “When I found him out there he was passed out and covered in blood. His face was swollen worse than it is now.”

“Is there anybody else besides Gareth left?” 

Martin said, “Him and Theresa. As far as we know, that’s it. He got shot in the arm.” I stopped walking and gave him all my attention. Martin assured me, “He’s okay. Theresa cleaned it off and stopped the bleeding. It’ll be fine; he’s just taking it easy. PayPay le Pew and I went out and found you guys yesterday and reported back. Gareth was so stoked, Beth. He’s fuckin’ crazy about you. And he’s gonna be fine. It’s just a nick, no bone or anything.”

I hiked fast. We took turns carrying the heavy pack. 

When we got here, the camp was empty. There was a note:

**Theresa wondered off. brb – G**

I sat with the note. It was such a small inadequate thing compared to really seeing him. I love his handwriting. The note doesn't have a smell. I recognize it as the size of his record book. Could there be anything sadder than carrying the logistics of a camp that has gone up in flames and been trampled by walkers?

Rick’s group is proud of Carol for tearing Terminus down. It takes nothing to destroy. What’s hard is building a place and maintaining it. All of our maps, calendars, archives and the whole church are all gone, not to mention the supplies and tools. All that fuel, canned goods, smoked meat and live cattle – all of those hours and hours of work went up in smoke. If Daryl ever gets there I wonder what he’ll make of it.

I have written so much, and Gareth still hasn't come back. If I knew what direction to look, I would. I think having everyone leaning on him holds him up. Most people would die of a broken heart if they lost what he has lost. The only thing that matters is taking care of our own and staying alive. 

He’s here!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot more happens on day 524, but she doesn't get a chance to write about it 'til the next day.


	25. Day 525

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: ableist slurs, gore, and death. I know I said "all sorts of sex," but there isn't any this time. Skip to "more notes" if you want to know who dies before you read it. 
> 
> Man, it took a long time to write this. I wish I could mind-meld it to you instead. English is my native language, but it’s still hard to use.

Payton made a click with his mouth. I looked up to see Gareth, Theresa, and a big man with long hair and writing on his face. 

Martin took one look at the new guy and put a hand up like he was trying to stop traffic. 

“No. No. No. No. We can’t have him here. We can’t be guarding him, while we're already watching out for walkers and Rick’s people.”

Theresa said, “He’s weak. He got bit.”

“Okay?” Martin responded. “So why the fuck is he here, instead of put down?”

Gareth looked exhausted. He took my hand naturally, like he’d known I would be there. 

To Theresa he said, “Secure him to a tree. There should be wire in that pack.” 

To the guys he said, “It’ll be fine. The dead make us invisible to other dead. If he gets loose, by all means, finish him. But he’s Theresa’s. She needs him right now and we’re going to respect that. Payton, you've got first watch.”

He was almost wobbly. I tighten my grip on his hand. “You’re hurt?”

“Little bit shot,” he answered as he gestured to his shoulder. “I just need to rest.” He looked over to the tent and back at me. “Are they coming after you?” 

“Maybe. I left four hours ago and it took about three to get here. I think it will take time for them to notice I’m gone. They might see the missing ammo first.”

Gareth smiled through the pain and weariness. He was proud of me. Shit, I was proud of him too. He didn't have to accommodate Theresa, but he did because they’re of the same tribe. I felt like I was where I was meant to be. It felt so fucking good to be with them again. I used to have a family of five and now I do again. Things repeat. There is meaning, if we look for it. 

The two of us rested in the tent. I tried to look at his wound, but the undershirt that Theresa put on it to staunch the blood was now sealed on by scab. Once we have a pot to boil water, I’ll take care of him. The soiled bandage needs be soaked off and washed or replaced. I’m going to keep my eye out for plantain, yarrow and comfrey. A spit poultice will draw out germs and help it heal. For now, it’s best to leave everything sealed up like it is. The skin around it is cool, so I don’t think it’s infected. 

Gareth got tired of me poking at it. “The shirt was clean when she put it on there. I think it’s fine. Let me look at you.”

We lay face to face. I'd never laid down with him before. He’s so fucking beautiful. His brown eyes . . . the whole . . . everything about him. I love him so much. I wish I could make this world easier for him. I wish we still had Mary and Alex and Terminus. I wish we had better options.

He was a little shell-shocked. “She let the dead in there,” he said in disbelief. “Who would do that? What kind of people weaponize the dead? Mary was shot in the leg.” He couldn't even process the information. “That woman . . . crippled my mom on purpose and left her to get bit. . . They left Royce to change, too. It’s like a tactic for them.” 

“Carol is alive at the grove. They outnumber us.”

“Won’t they break up in smaller search parties?”

“Yeah. Two or three might come, but they need two or three people to stay with back with Mika and the baby. The guys and I trampled the ground on the way out. If they find that trail, it'll be easy to follow. It’s sort of a good thing though, to have our prey come to us. We can handle them. We should kill whoever comes looking for me, get our strength up, and try to find a car.”

“That's the plan,” Gareth agreed.

It got quiet. Wistful. He stroked my cheek. “I’m sorry about everything. You deserve a home.”

“No, I’m sorry. I should have been there in the killing room. I should have known. I used to know her so well. I should have expected it. I should know by now that places always burn: my parent’s house, the prison, Terminus. Every time I stop somewhere, it burns. That winter on the move with Rick’s group was hard, but we didn't lose anybody. If you get comfortable, everything turns to shit. You’re my home. I think the five of us should keep moving.”

“We don’t have a choice right now. Rick will pursue us. He told me so. If we kill couple more of them, that’ll make him even more determined. They can’t be reasoned with.” Gareth smiled at me and I knew why before he said it. “You got away with their ammo.”

“A lot of it. Yeah.” 

We shared a smile, and a couple kisses. I was too keyed up about Rick’s people, to do anything more than that. He didn't say anything about it, but I think his shoulder was hurting him pretty bad. 

And then there was the fact that I'd had sex with Sam that morning. I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell Gareth about that or not. 

Our little kisses got more serious. 

“Beth, wait. I have to tell you something. When I found Theresa, she was beating the prisoner unconscious. I pulled her off of him and things got a little weird. I kissed her. I don’t know if it was romantic or what. Now that I'm an orphan like everyone else, she is the person I've known the longest. There's been friction between us over how I ran Terminus. Before the takers came, though, like right before they came, we were kind of dating.”

I felt worried about her. That’s pretty much the way I've always felt about her. We never really got to know each other. I admired how she did outer watches and cattle calls. I was aware of her nightmares and her frequent visits to the prisoner's rail car. 

When Gareth told me about their past, it didn't make me jealous. She's a real person. I respect her.

I stroked Gareth's hair to reassure him. “Did she kiss you back?”

“For a minute, then she pushed me away.” He looked sorry. “But you’re everything to me. We can't let this stuff tear the group apart.” 

"I agree. It's fine. I like her. I want her to be happy. If you and her want to go off together sometimes, I think that'd be fine. I might change my mind, but I think I'd be okay with it."

He said, “I don't think we will. We’re attracted to each other, well, we were, but she’s not. . . she can’t be that way with me. She told me flat out to never try it again. I’m lucky she didn't gut me.”

“Really? Is she dangerous to be traveling with?”

“No. She’s cool. It was just stupid of me." A puzzled look came over his face. "I asked her how she found him, and she said he called her."

"Literally? Or in her mind?"

He made a tiny shrug. "Either way is disturbing."

I felt so much love and trust that I just went for it. 

"Sam was alive.”

“Payton and Martin told me. What did he say when he saw you?”

“That he loves me, and everything was just your fault, cause you're a sick fuck.”

“That sounds about right.” Gareth pays attention to people. He knows how they think. 

I held his hand while I said it. “I had sex with him.”

His face didn't show much reaction. “Why?”

“I wanted to see what it was like.”

“Did you think I was dead?” 

“No. I knew you were alive. It's more like I thought of him as dead. He's part of past. He doesn't matter. I was thinking about how you said the first time usually isn't that great. Or, well, girls say that a lot. It just seems like it can get to be too big of a deal. I wanted to try it first with somebody that I didn't care about.”

“Was it okay?”

I think he really wanted to know what it’d been like for me. There's that friendship part that I've only ever had with him and Martin.

“It was strange. It got good after a while and I missed you. Then it was over. It wasn't like being with you. Being with you is amazing. With him, it was like researching for the real thing.”

Gareth turned on to his back and looked up at the shadows of branches on the tent top. I studied his handsome face for a minute and then I did the same. He wrapped an arm around me and laid his head on my chest. I’m pretty sure he was listening to my heart. 

It felt like we were okay, but I asked, “Does it hurt your feelings that I did that?”

He whispered, “I can’t tell what I feel about anything anymore. Except that I love you.”

“I love you too. I don’t love anyone else. I saw Martin and Payton doing it in the woods this morning. They stopped, but Martin kept going, by himself. I liked it. I want to watch them someday, if they’ll let me.”

Gareth chortled. “You’ll see and hear that plenty, even if you don’t want to.” 

I told him, “If you want me to just be with you, I will. I don’t need these other guys. I just like them.”

“It’s really just Martin. I don’t think Payton goes that way, and Sam is as good as dead. It’s okay if you want to do things with Martin.” Gareth was too tired to be insincere. “He’s one of us. He’s okay. We’ll all be okay.” 

We fell asleep. 

*

I woke up to the sound of thudding or, I don’t know how to describe it, but I got up and saw that it was Theresa kicking the prisoner in the ribs. His head was fixed to the tree by wire across his forehead. Another piece of wire dug into his bare waist, attaching him to the trunk in a seated position. His hands were tied together on the back side of the small trunk. The walker bites on his neck and shoulder looked dark and gruesome. There were signs of torture all over him and tape across his mouth.

“Theresa. Theresa, stop for a second. Is he dead yet?”

She looked at me, but I don’t think she could understand what I had asked. I think she was still back somewhere else. 

She asked, “You knew someone who had a pet geek right?”

“Yeah. They can carry your pack, and the way they smell keeps other walkers away. You have to remove the teeth and arms.”

Martin was asleep under a blanket next to the dead fire. I could see Payton patrolling in the direction we expected them to come from. It occurred to me that Gareth was right not to put Theresa on watch alone. 

I tried to be cheerful. “Hopefully, we’ll be having fresh meat tonight.”

What she said back had nothing to do with what I had said. “I could bash his jaw off before he dies.”

The prisoner could hear her. His eyes widened. 

“He’s taking a long time to die. I mean, I want him to suffer as long as possible, but I also want to crush his jaw and teeth while he can still feel it. The blood loss from that will probably kill him.” She weighed the options for a minute. 

I offered to find her a rock, but she already had a crowbar and a hatchet. (They did such a good job packing.)

Theresa ripped the duct tape off his mouth.

“We’re the same.” He pleaded, not for his life, but for her to understand his gibberish. His didn't sound scared. He sounded like he was high on drugs and desperate for us to grasp the concept that he’d latched on to. 

He should have been scared. 

She made a few practice swings with the large crowbar. It looked natural for her. She must have played softball or golf or something. 

He was crazy-eyed. He kept his voice low. “You’re doing this to yourself. We’re all the same.”

The first hit with the “L” side of the crowbar got the jaw bone detached and loose. His eyes went blank, then closed. She used a bowie knife to get rid of the bearded skin that was holding the jaw on. She made it look pretty easy. 

I watched and kept an eye on the woods. 

"You're good at that," I complimented. "I need to learn how the butcher. I know how to do a deer, but I never worked a cattle call." She didn't say anything, so I went on. "Gareth said you said the prisoner called out to you. Was that out loud or . . . ?"

Her hands were covered in the bright red blood of the living. "I don't think it was out loud. He was too far away for me to hear him." She attempted to remove his top teeth with the handle of her knife, but the whole situation was too slippery. “I think he had a name once. I mean I think I knew it, but I've forgotten. His name is nothing. Pretty soon, we'll call him the geek.” She kept looking at his crazy half-lidded eyes while he bled out. I don’t think he could hear her. She told him, “We’re not the same. You are alone. When you die you’ll be right back in the train car and I will kill you again and again.” 

She got the front upper teeth out by hitting them with the crowbar, but struggled with the molars. We didn't have pliers. 

She got frustrated and told him, “You’re gonna be trapped in that fucktarded geek body forever. Always hungry. Always frustrated. You’re lucky you got bit. I would have bled all that Zen bullshit out of you.”

Theresa stood up to chop at his arm with the pry bar. She was working emotionally. It was sloppy. Steel hitting bone can be loud, but Gareth and Martin slept through it. While she was working on his right arm, he died. 

She dropped the pry bar and cried. 

I touched her back lightly. She hugged onto to me and cried harder. I held her, assuming she was thinking about the past. 

“I wasn't done hurting him,” she said with such heartfelt disappointment. 

*

It was a couple hours before anybody showed up. The novelty of the docile, toothless walker had worn off a bit. Martin, Theresa, Payton and I were each keeping watch in a different direction.

Martin made two cardinal calls and I ran down the trail to meet them. 

By the time I got there, Rick was already aware of the guys on either side of him. He had his hands up.

The first thing I said was, “Is anyone else with you?”

He looked over at Martin and Payton about ten feet out to his left and right. I was about that same distance in front of him. He wasn't stupid. He knew. He paused before he spoke.

“They're right behind me, but, you want us to go-- we'll go. Tyreese thought you might have been kidnapped. Looks like you’re where you want to be, so I can back away and leave you to it. It was you that took the ammo right?”

“Right.” I said. 

I had my hands on my hips. My gun was accessible. I knew he was a faster draw than me, but not faster than Payton who already had the AK pointed at Rick's head.

Rick said, “You left us in a tight spot, but I don’t want to have to go back and tell Mika that you’re dead. Maybe I owed you that ammo. I didn't protect your family like I should have. I didn't protect you. I know that now. I know you look at me and-”

I cut off what was sure to be a lengthy monologue. “I look at you and I’m hungry, Rick. Sometimes the cows back home would get out of their pasture-- didn't change what they were.”

It would have been a great time for Gareth to join us and make things perfectly clear for him. Rick thought he had adapted to the new world, but he hadn't adapted nearly enough. He was shocked. 

“Put your weapons on the ground.” I said. “It’s over. We have a camp close-by with two more people. If you’re really lucky you could drop one of us, but you won’t make it out of here.”

“Why would I give up my weapons?”

“Cause otherwise I‘ll go kill Carol, Carl, Sam, Tyreese, and Michonne. Judith will grow up calling Gareth ‘Daddy.’”

Rick tried to look intimidating. The person out on their own should never try to do that. There was disappointment in his voice when he asked, “You’re with him now?”

Martin exhaled through his nose like that was an amusing understatement.

Rick glared at him. Martin didn't give a fuck. He looked Rick up and down. “You were a cop huh? You’re still in good shape.”

He was teasing. He would never fuck the cattle. I’m the only one who has ever sunk to that level. 

Rick slowly looked back to me and took off the belt that held his gun holster and machete sheath. 

Martin watched the deliberate act with pleasure. He chewed his gum and casually rested his hand on the handle of his pistol. He looked kind of dumb being so predatory while he face was all black and blue. 

Payton kept the barrel of his gun pointed at Rick’s head. 

“Arms out,” I said. 

I've never had someone look at me with wrath before. Maggie was upset, but I don’t think she wanted to tear me limb from limb, the way Rick did. I patted down his arms, chest, sides, back pockets, and pant legs. 

“Take off your boots.”

“Why?”

Payton spoke for the first time, “Cause we’re the ones with guns.”

I elaborated, “You could have a knife in there.”

“You know I don’t. You know me Beth. We were family for over a year.”

“I don’t want you kicking us.” 

He kept his hands up while he toed off his shoes. “This isn't you." He said. "You haven’t gone too far yet. We could go back to the kids. We could get passed this. Maybe things got weird for a few weeks at Terminus, but that doesn't mean you’re a cannibal now. Things got weird for us to. A man threatened Carl and I bit his throat out. It was what I **had** to do in the moment. You do not have to do this.”

He was pitiful. Anyone is pitiful if they’re away from their people. 

I picked up his red handled machete. I intended to walk him back to camp and debrief with Gareth. 

Rick said, “I bet you haven’t done the actual butchering before. It won’t be like it was when that back-water Stepford wife grilled it up for you. I’m a person. You know me. Beth! You know me!”

“Her name was Mary. Get on your knees.” 

“Are you possessed? Will you pray with me? Beth- ”

I swung the blade as hard as I could into his lower abdomen. I could have had Martin kick him on the back on the knees to make him kneel, but one way is as good as any other. 

Rick moved his hands to try to protect himself, of course. The blade went right through them, and his clothes, and his skin. Things fell out of him in the moment before he collapsed. I got his blood and stuff on my hiking boots.

Once he’d tipped forward. I hacked through the spine. 

Payton lowered his weapon, “Damn, he kept that machete sharp as hell.”

I looked up at them. “It’s just the five of us. Maybe we should just take back the lower half. Most the meat is in the glutes and thighs right?”

Martin said, “Would you look at all this mess? Forget about the dead, we’re gonna get attacked by bears tonight.”

We ended up taking both halves back to camp. Theresa was taking watch duty seriously, which was really good to see. 

We sliced Rick thin and cooked him on sticks. 

It wasn't quite true what I said about being hungry when I looked at him. There are steps you have to take before a person is food. I haven’t ever been hungry at the sight of a squirrel either. I feel an impulse to kill it, but it’s not like my stomach growls and my mouth waters. I think lions might be like that to. They feel compelled to disable the creature first; then they feel like devouring it. That’s how it is for me anyway.

We each ate a few pieces before Gareth woke up and joined us. He flipped over the upper half of the body and noted the face. 

I offered him a stick with a nicely browned piece on it.

“Can I have that machete?” he asked the group. We shrugged and nodded. He put it on his belt before sitting down to eat.

We stayed there for the night. Two of us sleeping at a time, and the other three keeping watch. 

*

This morning we headed out early and found the road that the grove house is on. We followed it in the opposite direction. The geek kept up pretty well. Gareth’s energy seemed okay and the wound stayed cool to the touch. 

We came across a couple of cars that wouldn't start, and then we got lucky. We got a pick-up started. That’s why my writing is a little jerky. I’m sitting in the cab while Theresa drives. Her geek is sitting between us. With the windows down, it’s not so bad. She was worried it would have lurched out of truck bed and died or gotten lost. Gareth, Payton, and Martin were happy to not have to share the back with it. It’s like her security blanket. I can’t begrudge her that. This journal is mine. 

*

We’re forty one miles away from the grove! We were lucky to hit only one road block. We’re camped on the roof of a gas station. It’s actually kind of nice. Not too chilly. Clear skies. 

The guys are playing cards with an incomplete deck they found inside. 

Theresa already went to sleep in the truck. 

Gareth is walking around the roof, surveying the area and rechecking the map. It’ll get too dark for that, pretty soon. 

We’re safe up here. I’m took off my boots and rolled up a pair of old coveralls as a pillow for the both of us. 

I haven’t written much about my prayers. I pray for the safety of Mika and Judith and the five of us here. I pray that God will make his wishes known to us. If he wanted us to only eat plants, I would do it. I think our hunter way of life pleases him, though. He choose Cain’s meat sacrifice over Abel’s vegetables. And he asked for Isaac’s burnt flesh as a sacrifice. He didn't make Abraham go through with it, but he did ask, and he let them get all the way up there before he called it off. I wonder what he will ask of us. I try to always be listening.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rick dies. 
> 
> Mishafer's awesome fic “You Don't Know What It Is To Be Hungry” influences this one. 
> 
> Thanks for the comments and kudos, ya'll.


	26. Day 526

When Gareth came to bed last night, Martin and Payton were still trying to play their card game in the dark. I liked hearing their soft bickering from the other side of the roof. It was pretty perfect really. Martin had watch, but it didn't worry me that he wasn't really watching. Theresa had the truck locked, and the geek was tied up to a gas pump. The only way to get up to us, was to climb on the truck cab. We all would have been able to hear that. 

Gareth got under the unzipped sleeping bag with me and he smelled amazing. I think there’s something wrong with my nose. We haven’t washed or changed clothes in a while. Everybody else smells bad, but, to me, he just smells more like himself. I got in close and rested my head on his armpit area (the uninjured side of course). 

“Really?” he asked. 

I smiled to myself. I wanted to do so many things. We were finally safe and as alone as we were going to get. 

I asked, “How are you feeling?”

“Pretty good. I took one of those painkillers.” 

I was enjoying that feeling of almost having sex-sex with him. It was like - we knew it was going to happen, so there wasn't a rush.

Until I kissed him, then there was. 

He squeezed my waist with both hands and let me kiss him harder. 

Back when I didn't have sex, I didn't like to kiss that way. I always held back. Even with Martin I held back a little. Last night with Gareth, I gave him everything I had. I felt brave enough to show him how much I wanted it. Our kisses were like a conversation about how completely we agree. 

It reminded me of how it had been before, in his office. I felt like he was pulling me out to sea. My brain was dimmed and my body was so bright. Everywhere he touched me felt more real, more alive. His hands were first on my waist and moved to my back. He unbuttoned my pants and got distracted sucking on my nipple. I could almost cum from that alone. 

I took off his shirt, being careful not to hurt his shoulder. His chest was warm and the smell of him was even stronger. He kept the sleeping bag over us, while I took of the rest of our clothes. His penis . . . I couldn't help it, I went down and licked it. I licked the head and sucked on it a little. I don’t think I could do it like Payton can. Maybe. It got harder in my mouth, so I don’t think I did anything wrong. I mostly sucked the tip between my lips. I would lead it into my mouth and pull my lips away – a small movement over and over. My lips got so slippery. I tongued the slit. The shaft was hot in my hand.

I looked over towards the guys and couldn't see or hear anything. It made me throb to think about Martin seeing me with a dick in my mouth. 

Gareth pulled me up so we could kiss. He rolled on top of me and fingered my pussy. I tried to stay quiet, but his fingers were at an angle that was so different and amazing. 

“Why is that so good?” I gasped into his ear.

It felt like he was pulling pleasure out of me. Coaxing my body to give up everything it had. I kept my shoulders on the ground and lifted my ass. 

There were stars everywhere. When I was a kid there were fewer stars because of street lights and cities and everything. Now there are millions of them. They watched us. They probably watched some terrible things last night, but here, everything was wonderful. I didn't close my eyes. I looked at all of them, and none of them, at the same time. The air felt cold on my breasts, so eventually, I cupped them. He started kissing one of them. The pleasure of that added with what he was doing inside of me was too much. I held his face to my nipple and rutted on his fingers. His tee shirt was around, so bunched it up and bit it. I convulsed repeatedly. I may have pulled his hair. His musk in my mouth made it that much better.

His fingers slowed and his thumb rested to the side of my clit. 

I removed the shirt and made my way through the mental fog enough to say, “You smell good.”

“I smell terrible.”

“Not to me. I want you.” I wrapped my hand around his dick.

“You’re not worried about getting pregnant?”

“I’m not worried. Are you?”

He pulled his fingers out of me and stroked my belly, finger painting a warm wet circle. He pressed his palm gently against my stomach.

I reassured him, “We’re strong enough. We could do it.”

There was a pause, a kiss, and then it was happening. 

The tip slipped in to me so easy. 

“Okay?” he asked.

“Yes.”

We couldn't see each other’s faces well. I reassured him with little kisses and happy whimpers.

“Are you thinking about something else?” he asked.

“I’m thinking about you . . .”

I was thinking about a lot of things, but I couldn't explain myself. I thought about how the stars were watching and wondered how long stars lasted. I was considering how we were almost the same as people in Bible times. I was thinking about how simple everything had gotten. I have my people and I have enemies. That’s all there is now. When you find someone that you absolutely trust you have to hold on them. I love Gareth so much.

I thought about what we were doing, of course. I felt good. It was just intense so soon after my orgasm. Mostly, at that point, I wanted him to feel good. And I wanted to have him as close as humanly possible. I put my hands on his ass and pulled him in deeper. I smoothed my hands up his sides. I felt like I would fall out of Earth’s orbit if I let go of Gareth. If I stopped grasping his good shoulder and squeezing his butt, I'd tumble out of the atmosphere and be lost.

I put my knees up for a bit afterwards to keep the sperm in. I don’t think I’m ovulating now, but you never know. My boobs feel a little sore, but that could be from all the sucking and massaging. I think I’ll get my period soon. It’s just as well. That way I can be sure it’s not Sam’s. 

*

When there’s no campfire there’s no reason to hang around in the morning. 

We’re headed out towards a housing development that they know of. Theresa has been out to there before looking for food, batteries, and medicine. She said they weren't super thorough cause it was early in the crisis and there was plenty of good stuff around. This time we’ll also be looking for a van and a house. 

*

At midday, we stopped to refill our water bottles and have some jerky. 

Payton asked if I was okay.

“Yeah.” I had been staring at roadside weeds, spacing out. “That’s plantain. It’ll help Gareth’s wound.” I started picking it.

“Plantain is a banana.”

We looked at each other and just kind of smiled.

He helped me pick more of it. “Well, who the fuck knows? There’s no way to look it up. I had plantains once at a restaurant in Atlanta. They’re fried sweet bananas and they’re good as hell.”

“That’s sounds amazing. We’ll probably never have bananas again. Or fresh pineapple.”

Payton grinned. “That’s gonna be a long list, Beth. You sure you wanna do that?”

*

We made it the housing development and parked in front of a house with boarded windows and an open front door. There were some guts on the front steps.

Martin poked them with his foot and said, “Yummy. Well, something fucked-up happened here.”

Theresa replied, “Something fucked-up has happened everywhere.”

They cleared the first floor, while Payton and I went around the back. Gareth kept an eye out, while he checked the oil in the truck and filled the radiator. 

Martin prefers making the walkers chase him outside, before he kills them. He’s right that it’s a lot less work than hauling them out afterwards. 

This is a good house. It reminds me of the funeral home. Somebody kept it up for a long time. We haven’t talked about what we’ll do if they come back. We’ll follow Gareth’s lead. 

At this point we could use more meat, and we could use more members. It’ll just depend on their attitude. 

*

I boiled water on a camp stove and fixed up Gareth’s shoulder. It really wasn't as bad as I thought. 

We ate five packets of Ramen noodles, some Terminus jerky, and a can of peas all boiled together in a big pot. 

I miss Mary and Linda and Mika so much. I miss Terminus.

After the meal, Gareth sat at the table to annotate his maps, but he felt asleep. He looked so cute with his head down on his folded arms. I think the events of the last few days are catching up with him. Grieving can make you tired. 

We’re going to check all these houses tomorrow or the next day. It’s just good to have a house and a hot meal. It’s relaxing. 

The guys disappeared into one of the bedrooms, so I kept Theresa company on her watch shift. We sat in the grass out front. I wrote, while she kept a look out. 

The geek was tied to the porch. His stupid little noises have become familiar. They don’t bother me. He’s pared down from how we was – no hair, no beard obviously with no jaw, no arms. Blood and muck cover his face tattoos. I’ve never asked, but I think Theresa tattooed him as part of his punishment. 

We were out there for hours in the afternoon sun. Out of the blue, she mused, “I love going through people’s houses, don’t you?”

I closed my journal. “I don’t know. I like it when we find something useful.”

“I like all of it. I used to babysit and I would snoop. I’d snoop through everybody’s stuff, all the time. Not just their pornos in the sock drawer and their medications, but, like, their diaries and photo albums, their teenager clothes they were never going to be able to fit in again.”

“You can’t read mine, Theresa.” 

“No. I know. These were strangers. They only paid me five bucks and hour – they had it coming. It’s just funny how shame doesn't exist anymore. All the things people used to hide are just blowing around in the street. I can totally hear you and Gareth and the guys, at night, but it doesn't matter. And we don’t go out that far to take a shit in the woods anymore. We all know about each other’s mental problems. I get it about your journal, by the way. I’m just saying - we all spend so much time together - I probably already know what it says.”

“I guess that’s true, about shame. Rick thought I should feel bad about eating people. My sister was the same way. They couldn't believe that I don’t feel bad.”

She laughed. “I bet on you, right from the start. Linda said you were a spitfire. I saw how you were observant and tough and I thought, ‘yep.’”

“I never got a chance to ask her . . . do you know . . . did they leave Daryl on purpose?”

“What do you mean?”

I swallowed. “Has that ever been a policy to just bring back one person at a time?”

“No. But we don’t dick around with killing geeks that we don’t have to. They thought you’d get bit out there. I know that.” After a pause, she asked, “You think he’s still out there?”

“Yeah. He wouldn't do what we do. He’s like the others. I would have to kill him before he understood the situation.”

“Well, hopefully it won’t come to that.”

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1-26-15 If I were Beth, I'd assume that Theresa gave the prisoner his tattoos. I know he had them in the flashback when he kept the Terminants in a boxcar. So did he come to their gates looking that scary or did he have it done while he was occupying Terminus? If he came to the gates looking like Negan with facial tattoos, and they willingly let him in . . . sheesh. But did they let those guys in? or was it more like a siege? If there was ever an individual that Gareth should have preemptively killed based on looks - that's the guy.


	27. Day 527

We found a hoarder house in our neighborhood this morning. Nobody else thought it’d be worth going through, but I found a ton of edible stuff in with the fake flowers and craft supplies. I filled a wheelbarrow with sprinkles and tubs of fondant. It can’t go bad; it’s just powdered sugar and chemicals. I ate a handful of chocolate sprinkles immediately. Waxy chocolate is still chocolate. 

In the other houses, they found pretzels. It all came together. The five of us were home, pigging out, when we heard the gunshot. I had been thinking the pretzel sticks in fondant looked like birthday candles. It feels like every time something is pleasant, it’s interrupted by a walker groan or a gunshot. It sounded close, a mile or less from where we were.

We all looked to Gareth. 

He pointed to me and Payton. “You two check it out. You’re the quietest. Don’t be seen. If you can easily kill them all -- do it. We can drive over to get the meat afterwards.”

Payton asked, “You want ‘em dead, no matter what? What if there’s a doctor or mechanic or something?”

“Don’t take any risks. There aren't any spotters on the roofs to back you up anymore. If you’re not sure - report back and we’ll handle it as a team.”

Payton and I can creep. Suburbs are different then woods though, more open spaces and more potential threats from above. We stayed close and went fast. I had a rifle and a handgun, plus my knife. He had the AK, a handgun, and Gareth’s new machete. 

I spoke quietly as we jogged. “We used to get recruits because we had Terminus. I don’t know if anybody’s gonna want to join for the frosting and card games.”

“They might.”

We crossed five curvy subdivision streets without seeing or hearing anything. I was thinking that if we did talk to anybody, we should tell them about the cannibalism upfront. If they were morally outraged or overeager, better to know right away and put them down.

An unseen man, three houses away, raised his voice defensively. “I didn't do it on purpose! He was coming at me. You saw it. You know how he can get.”

Payton and I estimated where the voice was coming from. We crossed through yards briskly. The streets would have been faster, but too exposed. 

As we closed in, the voice was blubbering. “Please don’t leave me here. I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry. I just wanted your help. You know I didn't mean to kill him. I was scared. It was an accident. It’s just the two of us now. We have to stick together.” 

Whoever he was talking to, didn't say anything. 

Payton and I came through a backyard and stopped at the tall wooden gate at the side of the house. Through the slats, I could see a military truck stopped at the curb. There was a body in the street. A woman in a cute tied shirt sat crying at his side. She didn't seem to be listening to the other man. She was concentrating on her knife. She held it over the dead man’s eye. She collapsed into tears on his chest, leaving the task undone. 

We took it all in. Payton whispered, “I feel like pork tonight. He said it’s just them two. She might be cool. Ready?” 

I gave a tiny nod to indicate that I wouldn't kill her unless she made me.

The fat guy though . . . We came out fast and both had our guns pointed at his head before he knew what was going on.

The woman looked up at us with mild interest. She didn't pull her gun. She was too deep in her own deal. Or she didn't care if we killed him.

His weapon was on the ground and he was shaking and sweating. He immediately put his hands up when he saw us. I don't know what he thought would happen.

I shot him once in the head. I wasn't far away, but it was still a good shot. I aimed for between the eyes and got it exactly. 

Payton immediately went up started going through the fallen man’s pockets, while he bleed out. 

The woman glanced over with red eyes. She was still holding her knife. I holstered my gun and knelt on the other side of dead red-haired man. 

“Do you want me to finish him for you?” I offered.

She gave me a dazed head shake.

“You gotta do it now then. It's worse if they change."

She took off her hoops and put them in the little pocket of her purple shirt. Her face changed from heartbroken to resolute. The knife went in clear and got the job done. She put it back in her scabbard without cleaning it off. 

The first words she spoke were, “You gonna take my truck?”

I sat all the way down, cross-legged in the street. “You can join us if you want. These stitches on his arm -- you did that, right? That mullet guy was too twitchy to do it. It was you. You a doctor?”

She huffed out a sad laugh. “I am not a doctor. And that dead hunk of shit over there was not a scientist with the key to saving the world.”

I told her, “We have three more people at a house nearby. You could come with us. We could use your help.”

She gestured at Payton, “I’m not going to fuck him, or anybody else.”

“That’s fine. You don’t have to. There’s something else about us, though. We've been eating things other people wouldn't.”

“I have lentils and rice in the truck. I can share.”

Payton kicked the dead mullet guy in the belly. “I’m thinking more like carnitas. . . hill billy carnitas. He’d go awesome with lemon juice and chili powder.” He had her attention. “We suck at hunting, so we eat whatever protein we can.”

“What else? What else is fucked up about you guys?”

I was up front about it. “We have a pet walker. He doesn't have teeth or arms, so he’s harmless. He kinda keeps the other walkers from seeking us out. And . . . it’s kind of a payback thing for what he did to a woman in our group.” 

She seemed to be considering it. “I've eaten it before.”

Payton was shocked. “Before the change?!”

She glared at him. “No. I was with another girl out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by dead ones. We got so hungry, we’d get dizzy if we stood up. I knew her before. We were facebook friends. She said she’d rather be dead than be so hungry. She said she’d rather have me eat her, than the monsters. I totally tried to stop her. She waited till I was asleep and took the gun. I went to a different room. I cried and slept, but after a while, I did it. I boiled a piece of her thigh. The electricity still worked in the house. That’s how early on it was. I'm probably the first cannibal of this whole thing.”

She put her earrings back on. “Eugene is more than enough meat for six people. I want you to help me bury Abraham.”

I nodded. “We’ll find a good spot.”

“And I want you promise, if you kill me, you’ll do it quick.” 

“If the group lets you in – you’re in. We won't harm you.”

*

We loaded both bodies and drove back to our house. Theresa and Gareth had guns on us as we pulled up. I reassured them and made the introductions. 

Digging is hard work! I helped Rosita dig a nice deep grave for her boyfriend. It’s in a nice spot, a couple blocks away. We started under a tree- but guess what - trees have roots. I’m sore and my hands are blistered. 

The meat smells so good. 

Gareth asked me if Rosita is playing us. I think she’s sincere. She knows we're not the worst group out here. She’s smart. 

*

I don’t think we can stay here. The grove is only about 70 miles away. It’s scary to move and scary to stay in one place. We talked about trying to go back to Terminus to see if the herd has moved on. 

Gareth is a little shaken. He’s still in charge. I mean, when we heard the gunshot, we all looked to him. But he’s tired. There have been more discussions lately, fewer orders. He’ll get his strength back. 

*

I dreamed that Michonne came here. She killed them all. There was blood everywhere. She flicked the blood off her sword and looked at me. She asked where Rick was. She didn't open her mouth, though. I just knew that was her question. And then she just knew the answer, and I was dead. I felt the blade go through my skull. It was the most realistic dream I've ever had. 

*


End file.
